A Charitable Scandal

The Fading Impression

When he did pull away, I could hear the pant in both of our breaths. He, however, recovered quickly and launched right back into his explanation before I could defy him.

"You are not just an employee to me, so stop using that excuse. Your opinion matters to me. You can choose to do what you want with that information as you will, but for now just please let me talk to you like a human being and not your boss."

"Okay." I muttered the word and took a seat on the sofa. I could feel my skin vibrating against the cushions as I drew in slow, deep breaths. Out over the wall surrounding the patio, night had settled and the stars had risen. I wasn't even sure how it had gotten that late. Time became still and the world frozen, only the nerves beneath my skin were alive and vibrating. I took another deep breath. "Okay."

"Tamara and I were together once," he said, pacing the patio, his hand running through his hair every now and then. "At the time I thought it was serious. She was determined, to a point of even being ruthless, and when you're an aspiring young man, hoping for great things, that kind of personality is attractive. Sometimes I wonder if I was just using her to get where I wanted to be. I still can't tell you if she prefers cats over dogs, if she takes sugar in her coffee, or if she snorts when she laughs. It was all desire and greed, I think.

"From what I understand she felt the same way. She saw potential in me and so she tried to stake a claim while I was just another grunt in the Pit. It was unhealthy. I realize that now and part of me even sees the passing of the promotion as a good thing. Heck, I can't even tell you which position I was even hoping for. It didn't matter. I would have been VP of something and it was all about the titles back then. By missing out on that promotion, I realized how shallow my life had become. And not just in my career, but also in my love life."

I looked out over the patio wall, my lips loose and parted. I felt the bite of cold upon the tip of my nose, but I couldn't raise my hands to warm my face. I feared if I touched anything, my lips might forget the impression of Alec's. I even wished Alec would just disappear and take his tale of lust with him. It marred the memory and slipped doubt into my thoughts. Why couldn't he just sit in silence and let me imagine for a moment that the two of us were simply lovers out beneath the stars instead of telling me how the one work relationship he'd had so far ended in misery?

"Lex?"

I felt a warm hand placed upon mine. It was rougher than I would expect from an office worker, but then again, Alec had a cabin in the mountains. I pictured him chopping wood, building a fire, snuggling with me underneath that flannel blanket...

"Are you okay?"

His hand gave mine a squeeze and that shocked my system enough to get me to turn my face to his. With the hold of the illusion broken, my instincts returned and my brain reacted without thinking. My tongue moistened my lips, licking away the buzz left in the wake of Alec's touch. The spell was broken. Reality stood before me.

"Yes." It was all I could manage and even that came out in a croak thanks to the mixture of dry air, ill use, and emotions.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...well, it wasn't appropriate to..."

He struggled as he stood before me. I felt panic rising to my throat, my eyes widening. He can't take it back, I thought. He can't.

"I'm sorry I kissed you." He shoved the knife into my chest and he couldn't even see how my heart bled. "I acted in the moment and it was not something I should have taken from you before knowing how you felt. I understand if..."

"It's okay." I swallowed down the cry in my throat. "I mean, it's okay, I won't tell anyone. I..."

I wanted to say I enjoyed it, that I, in fact, would like another one right then and there, please and thank you. But he sounded so regretful for doing it that I started to wonder why he did it in the first place. Maybe he did it to shut me up. Maybe it was just a means to an end. Maybe he really wished he had never kissed me at all.

I felt sick. I wanted to go home. I needed a weekend away to sort everything out and binge on TV shows. The longer I stayed there, the stronger the doubt would get and the memory would fade away.

"I appreciate that. You have every right to turn me in. I'm your boss and I took advantage..."

"Just what is it you want from me?" The snap in my words surprised even me, but the frustration and anger bubbling up kept me steady while Alec stumbled back. "You say you want me to treat you like a man, but then you remind me that you are my boss. What is it? How can you be both?"

I rose up from the sofa with the rising heat of my words. Alec tried to stand strong before me, but his weight shifted and he slipped into a subtle cower.

"I don't know how to be both," he said. "I think that's why there are rules in the first place. But, I do know what I want. I just want you to be you and me to be me. If you don't want that, please let me know and I'll be Mr. Radcliffe, manager and boss, no matter whether I see you in the office or outside of it."

I heard the pain in his voice, I noticed the same debate churning behind his words, and I felt his empathetic cry. But, I couldn't figure it all out right there with him. It was getting too hard to breathe with the cold pressing in and the stars looking down like a thousand pairs of eyes scrutinizing our sad tale.

"I want to go home. If that's all right by you."

"Of course. I'll walk you to the station."

"No, I'll be fine," I said, turning for the doors back to the office. "I'll see you on Monday."

I kept my eyes to the ground so that his pitiful, remorseful face couldn't pull me away from my convictions. I walked away with a quick bounce in my step, eager to be off the patio and back in my warm, lonely apartment. However, before I reached the doors, Alec called to me one last time.

"Thank you, Lex, for hearing me out. Please be safe and have a good weekend."

My heart broke and the tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't have the voice to offer him the same, so I left his warm wishes to fade into the night air.

***

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