A Charitable Scandal

The Sofa Queen

For the next three days I chose to drown out my loneliness by filling the void in my life with the very hot and very dramatic men of Complacent Househusbands. There I sat on my sofa, binging on episodes and living off of Chinese food, pizza, and the cheese curls I had actually managed to rip myself off the couch to go get from the convenience store across the street. By the time Friday, the day of the gala, rolled around, I had officially become one with my sofa. So much so I wasn't sure I could even manage reaching for my phone to order another pizza or box of lo mein for dinner.

Not that it mattered. I couldn't have moved if I wanted to. I'd just finished the season finale of Complacent Househusbands where it was revealed that throughout the entire season Jacob has actually been Michael, Jacob's twin brother. Michael apparently had drugged and abandoned his brother in Alaska so he could steal Jacob's family away from him since Jacob had been the favorite of their parents. I just needed to know if Janice, Jacob's wife, was pregnant with Michael's baby and if she was, would Jacob — who had finally returned, looking rather hardened and rugged — be able to accept the baby as his. I didn't think I could even get up to use the bathroom, much less get food.

Then, right as I was about to ignore my vow to watch just one more episode and then order food, I heard a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" I hadn't heard my own voice for days. With no one to talk to except the glowing faces of flawless actors on my screen, my voice had become raspy with ill use and a good octave lower than normal.

"It's Emily. Open up."

I glanced over at the stack of pizza boxes, the sink full of dirty dishes, and the healthy layer of cheese dust on my sofa. Then, I shrugged. She'd seen me in that state before, just as I had seen her.

"You have a key, come in." I wasn't convinced I could extract myself from beneath my pile of blankets anyway.

I heard a key scrape against the lock and then the turn of the knob.

"How are you doing? I haven't heard from you and..." She stopped the moment she entered the room. A grimace of pain turned her face rigid. "What is that smell?"

"Eau de Lex."

"You haven't bathed?" A shiver rippled up her body.

"Of course I've bathed, but the smell is the general scent of my existence."

"Cheese, soy sauce, and garlic?"

"I don't judge how you live."

"Okay," she said with a sigh and a few tentative, but determined, steps towards my lifeless body. "You need to get up."

"Don't you need to be at the hall right now? Isn't it time to start preparations?" I could see the hem of her dress peeking out from beneath an ivory trench coat that she must have regretted wearing after she saw the numerous stain hazards in my apartment.

"I called in some favors and I'm not due there until the gala starts."

"Why?" I asked, managing to at least prop myself up on my forearms.

"Because I knew I'd need some time to get you ready. Admittedly, I didn't realize it was going to be this monumental of a task."

"Ready for what?" I asked, the words lingering with apprehension upon my tongue.

"To go to the gala. What else?"

"Emi, that's not funny." I leaned back into the sofa and burrowed myself deeper into my blankets.

"No, what's happened is not funny, but I will not let it get in the way of you enjoying the night you worked so hard for. Here."

I peeked over my shoulder and saw her withdraw a glossy rectangular card from her clutch. She placed it before me so I could see that it was an admission ticket to the gala.

"I bought this and it wasn't cheap, so you better get off your butt and get yourself into a dress."

Emily flashed me a wide smile that looked a perfect white against her deep, dark red lips, but I felt a frown pulling mine into a slight pout.

"The money for that ticket, you know where it is going..."

"Yeah, well, because I bought this ticket, one less person had the chance to hand over their hard earned money to Quinto. At least I knew where the money was going when I bought it."

"They won't let me in," I whined. "You know that."

"Nope, that one won't work either. It's our department that's handling the behind-the-scenes work at the gala, not the execs. They'll be busy getting their money's worth out of the open bar. Our crew isn't going to keep you out and even if someone from the top floor spots you, they sure aren't going to make a scene at the front door."

"But..."

"Nope," said Emily, yanking the blankets off me. I cringed like a vampire being thrust into the light. "I've stood here, inhaling these toxic fumes, listening to your tired excuses for long enough. Get up, clean yourself off, and get dressed."

"But, but, Jacob just got back and Janice is going to find out..."

"Janice knew for months that it wasn't Jacob and was really Michael. She fell in love with Michael and she's going to give her life to save him from Jacob. She, of course, is given an emergency c-section as she lays dying so that the baby is saved."

I leapt up from the couch, lunging towards Emily, my hands outstretched and ready to strangle her.

"How-how dare you? There's a special place in Hell for spoilers like you!"

"If you don't get into your bedroom and into your dress now, I'll tell you who the real father of the baby is. I'll give you a hint: it's not Jacob's or Michael's."

I could tell by the smirk on her face that she had every intention to follow through on her threat. So I ran into the bedroom and plucked my dress from my closet. I could hear Emily's devilish laugh as she followed up behind me.

***

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