Forget Me Not - A Phanfiction

Chapter 6

*Brief mentions of self-harm and smoking ahead*

Dan's POV

"Bryony," I sigh, trying to get her attention while doing my best to keep the irritation out of my voice. She's been flirting with some sketchy-looking guy for the past 5 minutes and has successfully ignored me.

"Do you have everything under control? I need to go get some supplies from the back."

She gives a nod, not even looking at me, and I'm thankful that it's slowed down a bit in the last hour. It's not like she'll be ignoring actual customers. I don't actually need to get anything, but if I have to deal with another difficult customer  there's no telling what I might do. 

I slink off to the dingy alley behind the cafe  and lean against a weathered brick wall.. Reaching inside an overturned cracked planter, I retrieve a hidden pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I'm fairly certain Bryony knows about my secret stash, but even if she does, she hasn't said anything about it.

I just need a release.

I pull out a cigarette and place it between my lips. I flick the light on and watch, transfixed by the flickering orange and red flame. I reach out with my other hand and slowly trail my finger through it, almost numb to the heat, but just as I almost make it through, the burning pain hits me. I jerk my finger back and into my mouth, letting the cigarette fall to the ground. I wasn't looking to hurt myself, but sometimes I just need to feel pain in some place other than my heart. It feels.. good, in a distracting way.

My finger stops throbbing violently and settles into a dull ache. I pick the cigarette off the ground, wiping it clean before placing it back into my mouth and lighting it.  I inhale deeply  and as the smoke invades my lungs a sense of calm floods my body. I know it's only temporary, but I'll take what I can get.

I close my eyes as I smoke, and flickers of the morning flash across my mind. There was a couple that came in just as Phil left, and it was an absolute miracle that I didn't have a complete meltdown. They were facing away from me, and the man rubbed the shoulders of the woman in front of him. He leaned down and whispered in something in her ear, and I could hear her laugh at whatever he  said. When they turned around, I could see a sparkling enagement ring. My hands were shaking so much that the mug I was filling with tea slipped and shattered to the floor, creating a mess everywhere. I bent over to clean it up  but ended up just staring at it, unsure to piece anything back together anymore. Luckily, Bryony was closeby and brought over a mop to clean up my mess, so I could pour a new mug of tea.

Not every little thing sets me off. I'm not that fragile. I see an engaged couple almost daily and I am usually able to handle it. But this..was different. More familiar in a way. Maybe it was the way she looked at him or the loving ways in which he cautiously touched her. As they waited in the queue, the man wrapped his arms around her, gently rubbing circles into her upper arm and whispering more beautiful things into her ear. I studied them for a while, equally jealous and sad, a reminder of what I will never have. What I won't allow myself to seek elsewhere.

Smoke filters into my eyes, making the water, and I look down to see that my cigarette is basicaly only ash. I flick it to the ground and stub it out with the ball of my shoe. My eyes water, and I'm not sure if it's from the smoke or from the memory from earlier.

Watching the couple- So happy and obviously in love- it makes me remember what I once had. I twist my own gold band around my finger and think about Phil. He looked at me, at my ring finger, almost longingly. If only he knew...

"DAMN IT!"

I shout, throwing a rock into the alley. It hits something metal, making a satisfying loud noise. I'm so frustrated that I want to break something, anything. Instead, I lean back, and pull out another cigarette and light it. Closing my eyes, I allow myself to revist those memories, if only for a brief moment.

Black suits and bowties..

Matching gold bands..

Standing at the atlar in front of our friends and family, promising to love and cherish each other till death do us part.

Death.

I promised to never leave him until death separates us and I've stuck with those vows. Little did I know at the time that there are things far worse than death.

When Bryony finds me, the pack of cigarettes is empty and I'm surrounded by smoldering butts. My face is streaked with dried tears, and my eyes are red and swollen. Thankfully she doesn't say anything, just pulls me up and takes me to the employee bathroom. She fills the sink with warm water and gives me a wet washcloth to wash my face. Her fingers comb through my messy hair until I look as presentable as I can. 

With a hug and a small kiss on my cheek, she lets me know I have paperwork to do in my office, so I should do that while she works in the front. It's almost like Bryony knows that nothing good will come from me being around people right now. I'm not sure how many times a week this happenes, but she always pulls me through it.

I'm not sure how much longer either of us can do this.