Catch Me I'm Falling - A Larry Stylinson Fanfic

Chapter 13

February 28th - Day 43

By our next appointment, I had sent him six text messages. He hadn’t responded once. 

2/26 11:42 am Louis

I’m sorry about what I did. We can forget it ever happened.

2/26 5:43 pm Louis

Please respond, I know you’re angry but we need to talk about this.

2/27 2:34 pm Louis

Just let me know you’re getting these, that you at least know that I’m sorry.

2/27 3:36 pm Louis

I’m so sorry.

2/28 1:57 am Louis

I need you.

2/28 1:59 am Louis

I’m not going to apologize for that.

xx

Walking up to his hospital room that night was easily one of the scariest things I’d ever done. I could feel my pulse in my ears, hands shaking just the littlest bit no matter how much I tried to steady them. 

I’d spent a solid hour that afternoon ripping apart my closet to try and find something to wear, in the end settling for some thin black pants and a completely unspectacular blue button down, which at the moment coincided quite well with my overall outlook on life. 

My red toms slipped a bit on the tile, fingers gripping the strap of my messenger bag as I walked down the corridor. I had no idea what would greet me on the other side of the door and part of me really wanted to turn right back around and head home, only overpowered by the much larger and more powerful part of me that had spent three sleepless nights dreaming of green eyes and pink lips.

I was a wreck, cancer and lack of sleep drawing purple underneath my eyes and making my thoughts swim. Liam helped, in the ways he could, and Danielle once we told her, but I needed Harry. I needed the only person I knew who could take my hand and make everything feel okay, and I might have lost him for good.

I lingered two paces from his doorway for a long moment, letting myself wait in the last bit of uncertainty. There was a voice I didn’t recognize from within, female and a bit coarse. His mum maybe?

I took a deep breath and crossed the space to his doorway, taking the final step into the room and surveying the scene before me with no small amount of dread. It was January all over again, Harry with his blankets up to his waist, computer on his lap, head sunk into a pile of pillows. He didn’t notice me at first, eyes locked blankly on the woman like he was looking but didn’t really see her. She was saying something to him with a bright urgent tilt to her voice and he just stared, an emptiness in his gaze that hurt more than it should have.

She turned to me, face lighting up as she saw me. “Hi, are you one of Harry’s friends? I’m Caroline, his new therapist.”

If there was anything I could compare that feeling to, I guess it would be getting punched in the stomach. Hard. The air seemed to stream from my lungs, leaving me breathless and faint, and for a beat I wasn’t sure my knees were going to support me. After what seemed like eons, I finally managed words. “I’m Louis Tomlinson, his, well. His therapist.”

Her expression crumpled. “Oh didn’t they tell you I was going to be coming in from now on? They said they’d call, I thought it was all taken care of…”

“No,” I replied through tight lips, feeling Harry’s gaze on me but unable to turn and face him. “They didn’t tell me.”

She looked from me to him with concern in her eyes, folding and unfolding her hands on her lap. She couldn’t be impervious to the tension in the room, how I couldn’t look at him, how he couldn’t stop looking at me. For a second I felt bad for her, until I remembered it was her sitting in my chair and her claiming a title to which she held no claim.

“Well this will be fun.” She said after an extended pause, trying to make light of the dour mood. “There’s no harm on having a sit in guest. The nurses told me you two are very close, I’m sure you could help me out a bit.”

I was tempted, permission to sit here and soak in Harry’s company for an hour was an attractive offer, but I couldn’t. I had to tell him everything I hadn’t been able to at the rooftop. I’d already reached the point of no return, there was no reason to hide how I felt anymore. Everything had turned to shit, and if I couldn’t have him I just wanted him to know. I shook my head. “I just need to tell him something. Then I’ll be gone.”

She looked uncertain, but nodded, obviously trying to accommodate what was quickly turning into a colossal mess. “That’s perfectly fine, right Harry?”

I made myself meet his eyes then, his boiling like angry seas, the dark and dangerous depths of him clawing up to the surface. It hurt to see him like that, harsh and unforgiving, no comfort in his gaze. I just wanted him back, it was the only option.

For a moment I thought he was going to say no, but when he opened his mouth to speak, a quiet ‘it’s fine’ fell from his lips. There was wounded quality to his words, the soft sadness underneath them hidden but not out of sight. I’d done this, and I wasn’t all that sure I could fix it. 

“I want you to know I never meant to do this.” I began, fiddling with my hands as I spoke, unable to break his gaze but feeling so helpless underneath it. “You weren’t supposed to be special to me. I wasn’t supposed to need you.”

“You said once that dying was like falling and I understand what you mean now. It’s like you’re rocketing towards a conclusion and you can’t stop yourself, you can only fall and wait for your body to hit the bottom. But I guess if I’m going to fall for you I want all the time I can have. I want to fall with you and when we hit the ground I want to hit it right beside you.”

“I don’t want you to be my green light on the dock, the dream that lays just out my grasp until it’s not there for me to grasp anymore. I know you think you’re saving me by pushing me away, but it’s too late for that.”

My eyes were swimming, the words tumbling out of my mouth easily now, a desperate plea for the only thing I’d ever really wanted. “I want every day you can give me. I want your good days and your bad days and the days when you’ve forgotten who I am. You think you can save me by cutting me out but it’s too late for that. I need you so much, more than you need me Harry.”

“Before I met you, I was floating, I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going and you gave me something and it is like flying when I’m with you. You are my certainty and I- I love you.”

I came to a halting stop, realizing what I’d said after it’d come out of my mouth. It was true, it had always been true, and now it was hanging between us.

I couldn’t read his expression, oceans of abstract emotion swirling through his gaze as he stared at me like I was the only thing anchoring him to this Earth. He looked so broken there, limbs awkward under thin sheets and curls askew, but I couldn’t hold his pieces together the way I wanted to, run my fingers down his back until he stopped shaking like that. I’d only be able to think if he’d stop shaking.

“You can’t.” He began, sounding like he was going to be sick. “You can’t love me. You think you can but you can’t!” God I hated when he yelled at me, the way his voice broke with the volume and desperation. It was the same stupid argument of time, over and over again, like this time he’d be able to convince me I didn’t need him. “I’ve got one foot in a boat halfway across the fucking river Styx!”

“Well then I guess we’re in the same boat then.”

I turned to Caroline, who was looking at me with a stunned mixture of confusion and something that came close to embarrassment. She opened her mouth to speak, as if there was anything she could even say, but I shook my head, looking down at my hands as I spoke my final piece. “Call me please. Or text me. Something.” I turned, facing the door but unable to leave, even as every molecule in my body fought to get out of this fucking room. “And just, just have a nice night.”

His voice came from behind me, soft and uncertain. “Louis?”

But I didn’t turn as I walked out, head held high, if only so the tears in my eyes wouldn’t spill down my cheeks.