No Turning Back

So Done With Life

I never knew anger was such a passionate emotion. But then again, maybe that's because I'd never really experienced it before. Sure, I get upset from time to time like all people but I'd never been genuinely angry before – until now anyway. Now, anger was the only thing I felt. I couldn't feel loneliness since no one in my house would leave me alone. My aunt, Ashley and Zac all took turns babysitting me when I got home from the hospital. Ashley explained that they just didn't trust me being alone due to the state I was in. I then bluntly asked her whether she thought I was going to try to kill myself or something. She had blushed softly and replied that they were just worried; I wasn't acting like myself. While that was true, I didn't know what they wanted me to do. I tried extinguishing whatever anger I was feeling but I found that I couldn't. It was too strong and my body was still too weak to really do anything about it.

My aunt tried to make sense of my foreign behavior by trying to blame it on my medicine as well as my high stress level and the trauma I'd experienced when my dad nearly beat me to death. She was studying to be a psychiatrist so she tried really hard to put her education to work. Daily, she would try to have little therapy sessions with me to help me recover my old mentality. I would usually talk her about everything that's been going on. I told her about the stress my parents had been putting on me as well as my relationship with Jayden. Once I got to the relationship part that was when she seemed to start putting two and two together. She told me that my newfound anger was more than likely a reaction to the fact that I'd been holding in so much yet when I'd let it out: everything went wrong. I was angry at the world, per to say. I despised the fact that I came clean and I had no reward for it. I loathed my parents and Jayden for not accepting the things I'd done for them. Hell, apparently, I hated myself for even trying to be perfect for all of them. She told me that my anger was just a sign that all the stress was gone, leaving my bitter feelings behind since nothing turned out the way I wanted them to. The bitter feelings had always been there but they only expressed themselves now because there was nothing there to hide them anymore. She explained that it was normal though; I was going to be alright. I just needed some time to let my emotions simmer down.

After my small diagnosis, Ashley did ease up on trying to get everyone to babysit me. She would spare me a couple hours a day while she was at school to let me be alone. Then, she would bring Melanie home with her and my best friend would spend the afternoons with me. She usually brought me my schoolwork so we did that together. My doctor had recommended I didn't go to school for a week or two because they wanted to watch my broken rib. He told me that the bone had almost punctured my lung so he wanted to keep an eye out to make sure that it healed smoothly. He also told me to take it easy in which my family translated into the thought that I wasn't allowed to leave my bed. I didn't mind that too much though. I was still in a lot of pain despite my painkillers that I had to take every three hours. So, during the day, I would mostly just lie in bed and read or watch TV or listen to music. It was a relaxing two weeks for me.

When I returned to school, my arm was still broken so the kids who teased me took that as a sign that they could mess with me and I wouldn't do anything. I tried to ignore their remarks as I walked down the hall but when I once again saw my locker decorated with inappropriate, degrading words, I felt my subtle anger simmer under my skin. Melanie helped me tear the stuff back down but I was still a bit pissed off about it. "Just ignore it," Melanie told me. "Take the high road."

"I did take the high road. You see where it got me," I replied, motioning to my red casted arm.

She sighed. "I see someone's still a bit cranky."

"My aunt said that I've made progress with trying to get it to go away. I'm not as bad as I was before."

"Oh yea, like when you decided to throw your iPod across the room because that Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley song came on and you got so mad because it reminded you of Jayden? I remember that."