RED 2: A Trick of Mirrors [#Wattys2017]

41. The Reflection on a Gaze

Marisa careered across the hallway while he called the elevator. Her voice ricocheted on doors and walls.

"Marco!"

She covered the distance separating them and handed him a sheet of paper.

"What's this?"

"The surprise I had for you. It's a ticket for a session in a surf park in Miami. It has artificial waves."

He smiled. So did she. They exchanged a luminous look that transported them back to happier days. Marco examined the sheet and, folding it, slipped it into the pocket of his shirt.

"Thank you."

She hesitated.

"Do you know what day is today?"

"I do."

"Do you really know?"

"Today it's been two years since we officially started dating."

Then his gaze waned, the elevator arrived and Marco disappeared.

His body, his suitcase and next the metallic door closing.

The deserted and white hallway, a light smell of floral disinfectant, outside a distant murmur and a rumba playing on the beach.

For an instant, Marisa had the hope Marco would stay. And yet she knew him well enough to sense he wouldn't make any concession. In contrast with his controlled and rational posture, Marco lived his emotions to the extreme. If he didn't have love, he was left with hate, which he rejected. His comfort would be coldness.

He wouldn't come back.

Marisa returned to the room—empty hands, empty eyes, empty heart.

Marco considered going to Miami, somewhere far from that place. In other circumstances, he would have already booked a room before disembarking, but he was tired of making plans. He advanced on the sidewalk through the tunnel of bar awnings, parasols and tables, surrounded by the mist of humidifiers and the music that kept shifting along with the colors of the awnings and tablecloths. Further ahead, tourists rollerskated, idled, flirted while he drifted away.

He was adrift in an enigma of infinite possibilities—an infinite prison. He could do whatever he liked or nothing. That engendered an unsettling lightness as though he didn't have substance. If it weren't for Marisa, he would stay in Canada. However, during the months following the New Year in Brazil, it became clear she wasn't happy in Toronto and would never be. Marco then had idealized their life in Brazil with his school and perhaps even her participation in the project if she was interested. A home, children. Everything he had planned until the previous day involved Marisa.

In Toronto he worked under the weight of the demands he imposed on himself. He demanded of himself performance because he entertained ambitions and wouldn't allow himself to fail, especially in the eyes of Marisa. It was also true he felt responsible for taking her away from her home and wanted to make sure her needs were met. He had resources, the initial hardships he shared with Lorena would never happen again, and still he lived under the dread that they might. That was a classic example of how the fear of making a mistake entailed as an offset the opposite mistake. There was something else behind it, though: by providing for Marisa, he exerted control.

Deep inside, it all boiled down to the trauma of an unmanageable marriage and the shock of divorce. But he could have devoted himself more to Marisa, sent more messages, given more flowers to show her he was present and cared for her. Presence didn't need to be physical and gestures counted, even remotely. Above all, remotely. Reexamining his behavior for the past year, Marco realized how much he had neglected Marisa in his eagerness to provide and control. Her estrangement wasn't gratuitous, it was inserted in a context.