Maddie's Journal

December 7, 2017

I'm a mess. A literal mess. I'm totally swamped with everything for finals, work has been driving me crazy, Mom's been haunting me for days to help her put together photo albums for all the pictures we found in boxes up in the attic ("so that the family can see them when they come over for Christmas" - cue me rolling my eyes), but all I can think about is Harry.

I know it's been like, seven months since I've seen him, and I know I felt like I wasn't ready to be with him again, and I'm still not sure I am, but why do I miss him so much? Why am I constantly looking for him online, hoping to see pictures or stories about him?

Why am I doing this to myself???

The fact of the matter is, I STILL don't have my shit together. And he's had his shit together for YEARS. And being with him when I feel so all over the place - I don't know why, but it scares me for a reason I can't name. Still, I keep replaying that night in my backyard this past spring. Keep going over the way he looked, his hair short and unfamiliar, but still sort of curly and handsome, and the way he smiled at me—GAH, he was so beautiful, I wanted to fall apart in his arms right there and then.

But I stayed strong. I said what I needed to say. I told him that we could end it for good. And amazingly, he said that he'd wait. I didn't want him to have to wait for me any longer, but I can't say that I wasn't the happiest girl in the world when he said that he would. And my God, that KISS. There are butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it now. I swear, I almost gave in when his lips touched mine.

It was fucking hard, and those lips certainly tested my already wavering will, but I don't think I made the wrong decision. Which is why I don't understand why I'm missing him so much now. The first year was incredibly hard without him, but this... this is almost like torture for some reason. Maybe it's because there's more going on with him, and I feel like there's nothing going on with me, I don't know. But it sort of makes sense. Since filming the movie, last year had been relatively quiet for him. I didn't see him all over the internet every second of the day. 

But NOW? After the promo and the release of Dunkirk and his first solo album, he's been in the public eye a lot more. He's been hanging out with lots of different people, too—one girl in particular keeps cropping up and I'm trying not to harp on it in my mind—but I just... I don't know. I'm worried. It's not that I think he would ever go against his word, but trust, or the lack of it, was the main reason why I wanted the break in the first place. So in a big way, I can't help but worry.

I thought about calling him, reaching out, offering to end things again. Let him live his magnificent life without feeling tied to me. But that's not what I really want, and it's not like I have any REAL basis for wanting to end things permanently. He hasn't ACTUALLY done anything wrong. And he promised he'd wait. I already tried to be fair. I already tried to do the noble thing and set him free. He didn't want me to. And I figure, if he wanted things to change, he'd call and let me know. But he hasn't done that either. 

Which is making me nervous, too, I'll admit. Last year, we'd at the very least text every so often. And I know he's busy, but we haven't texted nearly as much now. Not to mention, last time I reached out, he let my text go for almost two days before responding. Ugh. I don't want to bother him, and I know he's got a lot going on, and I KNOW that I'm just building all this up in my head anyway. So, all that's left is to trust him. I WANT to trust him. But I'll admit, it feels a little like I'm going in blind.

I trusted him for a lot of things while we were together. I trusted him to be there for me, to make me smile, to make me laugh, to love me, among many other things. But being one hundred percent, completely honest with me wasn't one of them. I knew all along that he lied about certain things. I knew he kept things from me, and I didn't know how big or small those things were. It's why we're at this point now. And at first, I had wanted to believe the lies were for good reasons, but the longer they went on, the more paranoid I got, until I was just completely paranoid and anxious about what he was keeping from me ALL. THE. TIME. By the time Dad died and those pictures with the other girl surfaced, he had pretty much ruined my trust in him. And even now, looking back, I still wonder what else he might have kept from me. Still wonder if he would have mentioned that model friend of his if I hadn't seen news about them online.

Part of me still believes he wouldn't have said a word.

AND YET I MISS HIM MORE THAN I EVER HAVE?!?!? It's so fucked up. I'M so fucked up. It's gotten so out of hand. Why does he have to be SO. FREAKING. ATTRACTIVE. but also the kindest person I've ever met????? I love him so much, I'm hurting even when I'm NOT hurting when it comes to him. How is that possible?! Someone please explain.

Sigh. Anyway. Better go. Mom's stomping around downstairs and I'm sure that at any second I'm going to hear her calling my —

Yep, there it is lol. Talk soon.

Madelyn