Maddie's Journal

January 12, 2018

Nothing. Radio silence. It's been a full 36 hours now, and I haven't heard a word. And I feel even worse for it.

I was sure he'd call. Sure that he'd want to right this wrong. But it's becoming abundantly clear that he doesn't think this was a wrong at all. If I were him, I would've been on the phone immediately. I would have realized what I'd done, and I would have tried to do everything I could to make amends.

The only logical conclusion is that he thought this was okay all along. He was under the impression that a break meant that he could sleep with whomever he liked. Which leads me to wonder how MANY women he liked. How many women he's slept with over the past year and a half. Last year had been a quiet year for him publicity-wise, and I thought that was a good thing. And maybe it was for him, but wasn't for me. Maybe it was a great way for him to have his cake and eat it, too. Maybe I'm the only person in the world foolish enough to believe that when a person says they'll wait for someone else, it doesn't mean they'll fuck everything that moves in the interim.

I'm fuming, in case you haven't noticed. Absolutely fuming. I can't believe he hasn't called. I can't believe I've been such an idiot. So fucking stupid. So fucking weak about all this. I told Emily, but she's the only person I've been able to talk to about it. She came over late last night, and she didn't want to believe it at first, but after I showed her the pictures, after I explained the way they'd been pictured together before, she saw it, too. And she can't believe it either. She's not as angry as I am, but she's frustrated. And infuriatingly, she's sure there's a logical explanation.

But I told her I couldn't call him. That I WOULDN'T call him, and she understood. I can't call him about this. I won't. I shouldn't have to call and ask him what this means. If he's been sleeping with women all along, or even if it's just this one (I'm sure now that there were more), I can't let him know how much it hurts. I can't ask if that's what the break has meant to him all along. If sleeping with other women was what he meant when he said HE'D WAIT. I can't show him that weakness—even if I feel it in every fiber of my being. He can't know it exists. For what's left of my pride, I can't let that happen.

So, I'll continue waiting. I'll wait for the explanation I'm still expecting. Because he can't just leave this hanging, can he? He can't actually think I wouldn't have seen it. Unless... unless he doesn't care. It occurred to me that maybe he's been wanting to end things with me for a while now, and this was his way of getting that ball rolling. So, I really CAN'T call him and demand answers, because if that's the case—if he's been planning to end things and THIS was his way of getting it started—I won't give him the satisfaction of being the one to give. He'll have to man up and do all the leg-work himself.

The sadness and hurt has turned into pure rage. I'm so full of it, I feel like I could literally rip this book in half if I really truly wanted to. Lucky for you, I'd much rather rip OTHER things in half at the moment.

Emily has been haunting me all day to go out with her and some of her friends tonight. She says I should put all my furious energy to good use and blow off some steam. But I can't imagine I'd be any fun. She's sure that with a few drinks in me, I will be, but I don't even want to drink. All I want to do is stew in this... shoot daggers at the pictures of the two of them together and hope that they both feel it. What's so wrong with that?

Grrrrrrr. I should probably go. There's something seriously wrong with me if I'm actually considering some weird 21st century version of voodoo to make all this better. We'll see.

Madelyn