Maddie's Journal

January 26, 2018

I'm exhausted. I mean, I'm usually exhausted after the first week of a new semester, but this is just uncalled for. And I've been getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night, so I don't know what's up with me.

I hate the Spring semester. There's nothing redeeming about it. From the very start, it's a lie. There's no sign of spring, and there won't be for another two months, so why the fuck call it the SPRING semester? Just to mess with me, that's why. Not to mention, we're barely a week in, and I've already gotten way too much homework and reading to do. Reading that will likely only make me MORE tired. But at least, for now, it's the weekend. And at least after this semester is over, I'll be one year closer to getting my Master's.

Whatever that means.

I'm going to end up teaching. I just know it. I mean, maybe I could do something in publishing or something, but the idea of editing books doesn't really appeal to me. Can't I just read them and say "This one's good!" or "This one sucks!"? If there's a job like that out there, I'm all about it.

Anyway, onto bigger and even more depressing matters, I've been disgustingly emotional for the last week or so, on top of physically and mentally exhausted. The first week of school has just REALLY been peachy. I blame this ridiculous amount of emotion on my situation with Harry. The anger has passed, the feeling sorry for myself has waned, and now... now I'm just sad. Just missing him.

But I still can't bring myself to reach out to him. Especially considering he's been pictured out and about several times since—a handful of those times, with her. Emily doesn't think I should either. At least, not if I don't want to. And I really don't. Especially at this point. It's been too long. And he clearly didn't feel that whatever he had with that girl is worth mentioning, so why should I tell him just how much it's fucked me up? No. That would just make me look fucking fragile.

Which I AM at this point, but he doesn't need to know that. He doesn't need to see that weakness. Plus, I can't bear the thought of him thinking this was all okay, then hearing from me and only THEN trying to make up for it. Trying to make things right again just to appease my stupid feelings. It's not like it's changed anything on my end. Not really. If I were to call him and tell him how I feel right now, and he were to say he was sorry, that it was nothing, I'd give in far too easily anyway. I really hoped he'd be the one to initiate this, but since he hasn't, I just have to pretend everything is normal next time I see him. Just have to hold inside everything this has done to me. Because while I'm still upset about the whole situation, it's like I've already forgiven him, too.

Why is love so weird that way? I mean, humans are pretty much built for self-preservation otherwise. Love is the only thing that makes us really, truly hurt ourselves. Even when a relationship goes cold, even when it turns sour, love still makes us want it, regardless of the cost. I tried to separate myself from it. I wanted this break to make it better. To make ME better. It's just had the opposite effect. It's just made me that much more worried. That much more stupid when it comes to Harry.

I should've called him when I had the chance. I should've told him I still loved him and wanted to be with him again when I had the chance. But it's too late now.

Now, I have to live with this. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell him how I really feel about it, but that day is not today. And it won't be tomorrow or the next day and maybe not even when I first see him again, but I'll have to do it at some point. Emily thinks so, too. She was pretty pissed about the whole situation, too. She felt the same way I did—that if this was something he wanted to do, he should have been upfront with me about it. And since he wasn't, he should have had the decency to talk to me about it after the fact.

But he hasn't. And even she was surprised. I told her what I thought—that it might mean he doesn't want me anymore, and she was SURE that wasn't the case, but I could hear the doubt in her voice. See it in her eyes.

It's totally possible. And if that is what happened, if he got tired of waiting around and has decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore, then it's entirely my fault.

Madelyn