Smoke and Mirrors ▹ Alec Lightwood [1]

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
WORTH THE RISK

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

     The silence that followed Adrian and Alec ever since that night at the Seelie Court was deafening. Adrian supposed it was his own fault that they hadn't talked, because it certainly wasn't because of Alec's lack of trying. Each time Alec approached him and tried to bring it up, Adrian found himself running away, like the coward he was. He had wanted to know how Alec felt, had been ready to hear the words, whether they were good or bad. Now, after the kiss, he was terrified again. The one thing he feared was that he would lose Alec for good, and he was afraid he would if they actually talked it out. He was afraid it would hurt too much, afraid he'd start resenting Alec if it was a rejection Alec needed to tell him. The anger had already started, a hollow, upsetting feeling in his stomach. He still didn't understand why Alec had kissed him back—why he would when he knew how Adrian felt—and he was afraid that anger was going to grow into something worse. Grow into something he didn't want to feel, especially toward Alec.

Their silence, the tension between them, was precisely why Isabelle had forced Adrian to walk Alec to Magnus's apartment. He needed to talk to Jace about something. Alec was more than capable of taking care of himself, but Isabelle had begged and pouted for so long that Adrian couldn't say no. She had used Valentine as an excuse. They all knew that there was a very low chance Valentine would set his sights on Alec, but the thought had still echoed in Adrian's head regardless. Now there they were, walking down the street in silence. Alec kept glancing at him, lips parting, only for him to stop and look away. It happened five more times before Adrian finally lost his patience. He could see the steps to Magnus's apartment up ahead. The conversation wouldn't last very long, anyway.

"What?" Adrian asked, letting out a small sigh when Alec hesitated again. It was a silly question to ask, but Adrian couldn't think of anything else to say. Their visit to the Seelie Court had been a few days ago, but Adrian could still feel the ghost of the kiss against his lips. Alec licked his lips before he frowned.

"You said nothing had to change," Alec said at last, making Adrian stop, which was just as well. They had finally reached Magnus's apartment. He stared at the door for a moment, wondering if Magnus was going to pop up and save him. He didn't, and Adrian sighed.

"That was before you decided to kiss me back." He sounded colder than he had meant to. He bit down on his lip. He wasn't quite sure why he was angry in the first place. The reason was there, just out of reach, and Adrian couldn't quite stretch far enough to get to it. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know. If he did, that would just be another thing he had to deal with. Alec stared at him for a long time, looking bewildered.

"We had to—the Seelie Queen—"

"She said that I had to kiss the person I desired the most," Adrian interrupted. He wanted to stop talking, wanted to slap his hand over his mouth and walk away. He didn't seem able to. "She didn't say you had to return it." Alec stared at him, frowning now.

"Adrian—" Alec sounded so emotional that Adrian couldn't stop himself from interrupting.

"Look, Alec, I get it." His voice was softer now. Adrian was grateful for that. He didn't want to hurt Alec, and he knew snapping at him would hurt. It always had before. "You're confused. I confuse you, and I get that, I really do—but I'm not going to let you use me to figure yourself out." Alec's eyes widened at that, lips parting to argue. Adrian hurried on, and Alec pressed his lips together. "That's not how this is going to work. I deserve better than to be your test dummy." Alec let out a frustrated breath.