IRL | JINKOOK ✅

chapter nineteen

guys!!!! im finally introducing a hoseok point of view, which looks a bit into his life and his rough past. i hope you guys enjoy and also please let me know if a hoseok pov is something you'd want to see again! also, this ends on a cliffhanger so beware....!

Hoseok POV ~

I can't believe them. They try to think they're cooler than me. I'm the coolest kid on the football team and the coolest kid in the school. I have a lot of friends. Way more than Jungkook and Seokjin will ever have!

But what do I know. I can barely figure out my own identity and my own sexuality. I always make fun of Jungkook for being gay. If I found out that I was gay, would I stop using that against him? Probably, I don't know!

I just...need some time to think. And with my dad's funeral this week, I can't fucking think straight. I want him back. He was the nicest and best guy I knew. No, he wasn't my real dad. He was my dad's brother, so my uncle. I loved him as a dad.

My old dad got in a car crash and passed away. My mother was far too sad to look at my face since I look so much like my father. So she ran away to Boston in the United States, I think. She's never called me once. Or FaceTimed or sent letters. It sucks.

At that point, I didn't have a guardian so I called the only adult's phone number I knew. My uncle Sehun. He was also my favorite uncle. My mom's brother sucked, to be honest. He was also 13 years older than my Mom, not to mention. That meant he was an old hag and no fun.

I like my uncle Sehun because he's younger, and he's so funny and really understands me. I think he's gay, because once he came home with a man and said they were just friends, but I overheard them talking about a second date later that day.

I should use past tense now for Sehun. He's dead. And I would always be happy with myself for seemingly handling deaths and losses really well. First, it was my dad who died. Than my mother ran away. Then my aunt got cancer not too long ago and died. And now the one person who I would always be able to go to at the end of the day and just...vent to him and love him so, is now dead too.

I thought of him like a father. It took me so long to think that way though, because I was still attached to my real dad. But finally, I had to go with life's crappy ways it gave me, and accepted the fact that Uncle Sehun was now my dad.

Was. My dad. Not anymore though, because he's DEAD! I try not to take it personally. I'm used to funerals and hospitals and the mourning of dead family. So used to it...that it doesn't hurt to see them go....on the outside.

On the inside, I'm dying myself....I'm falling apart and crumbling. I don't know what to do...inside. Outside, I take my anger out on others and act casual at school. But really, I'm probably just as depressed as Seokjin...

If I think more about it, Seokjin and I have a lot in common. Maybe that's why I bully him. People always say bullies are jerks because they're jealous of the person they're bullying. That's not quite true...I'm not jealous of Seokjin at all! He doesn't have parents either, so it's not like I'm jealous of his parents.

And I'm definitely not jealous of his suicidal shit....y'know, I don't even know what it's like to self-harm or whatever it is called. What's so good about hurting yourself?? I don't hate myself. I dislike myself. Why would I want to cut into my damn wrists? Is it supposed to make you feel better??

I pulled out my laptop and researched a lot about suicidal thinking, depression, and self-harm. There was all these blogs on tumblr made by suicidal people....100% of these blogs said that if you are feeling upset with life or yourself, you should try it.

I thought it was a little weird, because it seemed like these people were provoking more people to try to hurt themselves and maybe even kill themselves. Are they trying to diminish the human popularity rate or what????

Sorry, not funny. They say you should try it and they list all these symptoms....which not to mention I have ALL OF THOSE symptoms.

Maybe it is good to try things out every once in a while. After all, I live with this retarded Nanny who looks and acts like a fucking housemaid from some sort of Trump Tower...honestly, I hate her guts. She offers me CELERY STICKS for a snack!! And she tells me that doing dishes makes you feel better...what the hell!?

If Sehun was here, I would never try this. But that dumbass Nanny probably wouldn't give a shit if she found me dead on the bathroom floor. She literally comes into my room at night to tell me "sweet dreams" and shut my light off. Pft, if she found me dead she'd just grab her shit and run. Not wanting to be responsible.

I headed to the bathroom and looked around for some sort of knife. I dunno, do suicidal people use knifes? I mean, what else? But obviously there were no knifes in the freaking bathroom. And my Nanny legitimately lives in the kitchen, dusting off cabinets and scrubbing the stove top. There's no way I can get a knife from there without her seeing!

What else is sharp....dammit! There's nothing up here that's sharp! Besides a razor end that you shave with, which obviously that would be fucking weird if I used that.

Would it.....?

I detached it from the shaver and held it in my hand, tapping the end to feel the sharpness. Damn, that was as dangerous as a knife, if not, worse!

I put it to my skin on my wrist, which is I guess the place that suicidal people cut themselves. I started to push down to puncture the skin....