It started when I was four. I had one friend in kindergarden. all the other girls wouldn't hang out with me because i was black. in grade three i moved across town. new school. new friends. things were okay. until a group of older kids started bothering me. every. day. after several weeks of torture they cornered me. there was eight. a group of people gathered around. i didnt know what to do. they made me do things. pull down my pants... expose myself... touch myself... i was seven. i ended up with a week of detention for innappropriate behavior at school. my sister told on me for it. i still told no one what really happened. grade four kids called me n*****, brownie, chocolate bar. theyre are no black kids in southern canada, especially not in the suburbs. then the physical attacks came. a group of boys, maybe 15 of them. would jump me everyday. steal my stuff. try to get me all mad. they would kick me. punch me. push me. pull my hair... i still have bald spots. i would come home crying every day. they would say my hair made me look like frankensteins wife. i never wore my hair out ever again after that. covered it with headbands. it was too short and curly to pull up. i would try braiding it, twisting it. i looked like i was five. grade 5... was the worst. they still beat me up. my mom said "boys will be boys". the teachers didnt listen. they didnt believe me. so i started fighting back. i got 8 detentions that year. they got none. eventually i moved. at my new school, i was popular. until another new girl came weeks after. people lost interest. bullying started again. they called me ugly. said i was rude for sticking up for myself. i was 110 pounds, when a 135 pound boy... a football player... table topped me. kicked me. then everyone walked away.
sixth grade i found anxiety releif... i started pulling skin up from my body, and filling it with ink from a permanent marker. carved words. i earned my first nickname: attention whore. grade seven i attempted suicide. cause i stopped cutting and started eating. went from size 2 to size 8. one day i got out of the shower and my mom said "you have fat pockets on your butt." i ate more. first attempt i didnt go through with it second attempt i fainted first third attempt i was at school... the boy i liked... and he... my friends said... and lied... i didnt mean to... he never had to know. i broke the door hinge, since the hooks were banded in canada after a kid died when some bullies hung him as a joke. he freakin died. i went to a mental hospital that night. roomed next to a kid who tried to stab his entire school. worst week of my life. when i got back, rumours circulated. go back to the closet. if at first you dont succeed try try again. they said those things. THEY ACTUALLY SAID THAT. said i wanted to die for attention. who the f*ck says that shat? in grade eight, things were okay. better. i was on honour role. dance team captain. made the volleyball team. boys even called me pretty. my mom still called me fat. i am now 150 pounds, 20 pounds "overweight" said my doctor. i keep telling myself theyre jealous cause i got ass and they dont. after grade eight, i did a tv show.
on this TV show, kids from across canada auditioned to be "the next star". it was like american idol for kids. i shot a music video, recorded a song, performed in front of thousands at a theme park live on TV. it was fun. the other competitors tho... they werent competitive... just snobby. one of them controled them all. it went from 12, to 9, to 6 finalists. the six stayed together for two months. they all became friends, but i was left alone. i kept thinking, every night, "What did i do?" to this day, we still dont talk very often. im 14 now, in grade nine. first year of high school, couldnt have asked for anything better. but i know for me, it will never be the end.
so what i know about bullying, is that it happens. you can never cure bullying or stop it from happening. but you can help those going through it. i went to therapy. i "talked" to someone. telling me how to breathe and to write down my feelings doesnt fix my life. friends do. i wish i had some real ones to help me do it.
What kept you so strong through these times? What was the thing you would do to escape from the real world and helped you?
I guess the thing that is keepinge strong is music. Its my promise in life. I WILL be a recording artist. I WILL sell out a show at Madison square garden. I CAN and I WILL. I've learned to stop saying if and start saying when. It brings me to a better mind set that I do have a reason to be alive. That there is something I am better then everyone else at. My music is evrything to me. And of course, wattpad helps too!
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The Guide Book 3- ( A helpful guide)
Non-Fiction"The Guide Book" is not as much a book, as it is a guide. If you've been with me through The Guide Book 1 and 2, then you will notice some changes in this. For in the previous books, it consisted of just questions answered by regular people like you...
