Worth Waiting For

Part 4

Phil's POV

A month later

So... I'm gay. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise, but I guess some people don't find out until they meet the right person, and at least I understand now. The next step would be to tell someone before I implode from the secrecy. Ever since I realised, I've felt like I'm being fake to my friends, not telling them who I really am. Whenever I'm with them, it feels like I'm pretending. So I need to tell someone before I end up just breaking down and screaming it. Who should I tell? Dan? He is my best friend. No Phil, you can't tell him, he's the one you have feelings for.

There I said it. I like Dan. I like the way he ruffles his hair and tries to pat it down again, the way he always shouts at the TV when we're playing Mario Kart, the way his eyes sparkle when he's truly happy. I love all these things about him, and more. More than I could possibly ever put into words. This isn't just a crush, this isn't just me thinking he's hot (even though he is...), this is more. I am completely in love with him. When we're not together, there isn't a moment I don't miss him. There isn't a moment when I'm not thinking about what he would do, what he would say if he were with me. There isn't a moment when I don't long for his warm, soft touch.

But I can't tell him first. I need to tell someone else, someone who I won't spend the whole time fanaticising about kissing. When I tell Dan, I want to know exactly what to say. So I need to tell someone else first. But who?

Mum? No it should be a friend. Louise? –hmm no I think it should be a guy. PJ? Yes! PJ's always so nice; I'd feel comfortable telling him. Ok Phil, you need to text him and see if you can go over tomorrow.

The next day

I'm walking up the road towards PJ's house. The train journey and walk here felt like no time at all, my head was whirling with what I was going to say, but it feels like I hadn't had enough time to go over it. But it was now or never. I take a deep breath, walk up to the front door and ring the doorbell.

I hear footsteps on the stairs, then the door opens and PJ's smiling face greets me.

"Hey Phil! Come in" he says cheerily and steps aside to let me in.

"Would you like a drink?" PJ asks as I tug my coat off.

"Coffee please" I walk through to the lounge and collapse on the sofa while PJ makes the drinks. I take in all the colourful objects scattered around the room. PJ sure does have a lot of cool stuff.

"Here you go" PJ hands me a mug and sits on the sofa opposite. "How were the trains? Are they still bad?"

"They were actually Ok for once" I reply, sipping my coffee.

"And how's Dan? I see you've been very active on the gaming channel recently, has he burnt himself out yet? Ha ha"

"Um, he's great Peej. He's gone to see a friend today, but there's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." I look down at the floor.

"Oh, Ok. What's up?" PJ puts down his mug and waits for me to speak.

"Well, the thing is, I um..." my voice trails off as I feel tears forming in my eyes. Stop Phil, you're supposed to be staying calm! I open my mouth to speak again but all that comes out is a sob. PJ sees my distress and comes over to sit next to me.

"Hey, it's Ok Phil, you can tell me anything." I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder as I try to steady my breathing.

"I, uh, oh God I had a plan of what I was going to say, but now I've just turned into a mess and it's all gone out of my head" I choke out, trying to wipe the now-falling tears from my face.

"Phil, is everything Ok? Is there something going on?" I look up to meet PJ's concerned gaze. I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath in. I have to tell him now, or he'll get even more worried.

"Peej, I'm... I'm gay" I exhale with relief that I finally managed to admit out loud what has been going through my mind for the last few months. I look back at PJ, worried to see his response, expecting the worst. To my surprise, his face is lit up like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"Aww Phil that's great!" he says, almost bouncing up and down on the sofa.

"R... r... really?" I stutter, not containing my shock.

"Yeah, really!" You had me worried for a minute there. But I'm so proud of you!" he tackles me in a bear hug.

"So you don't like, think of me differently then?" I ask curiously.

"No Phil, you're still you, and you're still my friend. So, is there someone...?"

"Uh, no" I almost shout, a reflex action. I can't tell him about Dan. It would ruin everything.

"Oh, so when did you find out?"

"A few months ago. I tried to forget about it for ages, but I guess it didn't work. I wasn't really sure I ever properly liked girls anyway."

"Well, this is great!" he tackles me again. "Have you told anyone else? You must have told Dan, right?"

I glance awkwardly at the floor.

"Um... not yet..."

"Why not? He's your best friend isn't he?"

"It's kinda complicated" Wow Phil, understatement of the year. "I'm gonna tell him soon though" I look up at PJ's confused face.

"Well I guess these things take time, but I hope it goes well when you do." He beams at me.

As the conversation shifts to more general topics, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

But a much heavier one still remains.