Worth Waiting For

Part 5

Phil's POV

I close the front door, take off my shoes and begin to climb our apartment stairs.

"Hey Phil!" I hear Dan's voice from the lounge.

"How's PJ?" Dan asks as I drop my stuff in a pile next to the sofa.

"He's great, he's just started on another short film" I say as I flop sown onto the sofa beside Dan, who is in the browsing position.

"Hopefully this time it won't be about demons and possessed hair!" he laughs. That beautiful laugh that I look forward to every day.

"Phil? Earth to Phil?"

I blush as my attention snaps back to the present.

"What were you thinking about?" he asks, and I blush even more. If only he knew. "Ha ha you're so cute when you're all embarrassed" he ruffles my hair. "Get yourself sorted out and we can make dinner"

***

Having eaten dinner, I retreat to my room for some quality internet time.

I'm going through our old videos when I stumble across PJ's twister video from ages ago. I smile as I hit play, remembering the crazy day we had filming it. Seeing how happy the four of us were back then is amazing.

"I guess we'll go me, Chris, Dan, Phil" says PJ.

"Clockwise in order of sexiness" says Dan.

I pause the video for a moment to think.

By going clockwise, Dan put me first. Could that mean anything? Or was it just because he could be second? Either way, it's not the first time Dan has done things like that around me.

My mind drifts to our punk edits video, when Dan said my personality is too adorable, and the time when Dan was doing the radio show on his own and said that there was a void in his heart where his friend (me) used to be. The time he stood up for me a VidCon panel when everyone was talking over me, the time on the radio show when he tried to get me to dance to 'I won't give up'. Not to mention all the fan made compilations of Dan staring at me – heart eyes Howell.

Dan does things like that off-camera as well. Whenever I've been out somewhere, Dan's eyes always light up when he sees me after I get back. He always focuses on me, regardless of whoever else is in the room. He finds the tiniest excuses to touch me, hold my hand or hug me. It would be impossible to count all the times we've cuddled up together on the sofa, him resting his head on my shoulder while we watch a movie.

Could it all mean something? Could this amazing, perfect guy, actually like me?

No Phil – he's your friend. He can't possibly feel that way. And if you told him how you feel, what would happen? If he doesn't feel the same way, then you'll have ruined your beautiful friendship. He would never be comfortable around you anymore. He would never be able to look at you again without disgust. You would have ruined the most precious thing you have, you would have lost him.

I've tried to forget my feelings, I really have. But I can't. I keep telling myself this is just a stupid phase, or me mistaking friendship for love, but it isn't. I can't get rid of it. I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of it.

So I've ruined our friendship already. By thinking about Dan in this way – my friend, I've destroyed everything we ever had. I can't look at Dan's face now without imagining what his lips feel like; I can't touch him without wondering what it would be like to wake up in his arms.

But I can't lie to him about my sexuality. He is my best friend, and I can't keep this from him, he deserves to know. I need to tell him, but I need to think for a while first. I need to work out how to say everything perfectly. For him.