Worth Waiting For

Part 11

Phil's POV

I open my eyes to see an unfamiliar room. Where I am I? How did-

And everything comes crashing down on me.

I remember everything that happened last night – confessing to Dan, his rejection, the pain and fury as I left, my despair as I failed to cope with it all. I relive every second of the pain, hurting twice as much as the first time.

I curl myself up into a ball on the unfamiliar sofa, sobbing into my chest as I dig my nails painfully into my skull. Tears block my airway as I struggle to breathe - it feels as though my grief is choking me, its iron grip wrapped tightly around my throat. I've lost everything. I've lost Dan.

I lie there in tears for the rest of the day, ignoring the painful growls from my stomach. It's nothing compared to the torment in my heart.

***

"Phil I'm home"

A shout from the hall pulls me out of my despair and my heart jolts as I realise that I'm not in the apartment, and the voice isn't Dan's. I wipe the tears from my face and sit up, trying to make myself look normal. What a joke.

"Hey Phil" Thomas enters the lounge and dumps his stuff by the door, he's wearing a smart suit "you were pretty exhausted last night so I didn't have time to make sure you had everything, I hope you coped"

If only he knew. I replay what happened when I arrived last night, me in a sort of trance, not really paying attention to what he was saying and just going straight to sleep on the sofa.

"Anyway, work was exhausting, so I was just gonna order some pizza for tea, ok?"

"Mmm" I mumble, staring at the floor.

"Ok well I'll go change out of my work stuff and order the food" He goes to another room, and I am left alone again.

I look down at my dishevelled clothes, the same ones I was wearing yesterday. I feel so dirty, like a fever has seeped into my skin and scrubbing it until it's red raw won't get rid of it. I just want this nightmare to end; I wish I'd never-

"Pizza's coming" Thomas appears at the door and comes over to where I'm sitting, flopping down onto the sofa next to me.

"How are things with you anyway? You looked a bit drained last night" I don't answer and he finally looks closely at me, realising what he's been missing.

"Phil, is everything ok? You look like you've been crying" I continue to stare at the floor, wishing I could become part of it. The feeling of uncleanliness washes over me again.

"Thomas..." my voice comes out as a croak "could I have a shower?"

"Sure" he seems surprised at my request "I'll get you a towel and some clean clothes" he pauses "but after can you tell me what's going on? You look like you've had a hard time."

I nod weakly, not trusting myself to speak again.

He gets up, and I follow him to the bathroom.

***

I feel the warm water wash over me, trickling down my arms in tiny rivers, dripping off the ends of my hair. I could stand here for hours, trying to wash all my feelings off, wishing more than anything that I could watch them disappear down the plughole.

I sigh. I've been in here for ages; Thomas is probably worried that I'm never coming out. The feeling of uncleanliness still lingers, but this is probably as good as it's going to get.

I turn off the shower and step out, wrapping myself in my towel. It feels so big and warm, almost like it's smothering me. I go over to the mirror and wipe away the condensation. I almost don't recognise myself. My eyes are red and puffy, surrounded by dark circles. My skin looks grey and faded, my hair like a raven's nest. I can see the despair in my eyes.

I feel tears begin to form so I quickly look away and begin to dry myself. I pull on the clothes Thomas has lent he, the unfamiliarity of the fabric making me feel even more uncomfortable. Avoiding catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I leave the bathroom and make my way back to the lounge.

"Pizza's here" says Thomas, indicating to a stack of pizza boxes on the coffee table as I collapse into the sofa "help yourself."

I grab a plate, pick up a slice of pizza and transfer it to my plate. I sit there, staring at it.

"Phil..." I feel Thomas' concerned gaze on me as he struggles with what to say "you got here quite late last night so I didn't really have chance to ask if anything was going on, and when I got home it looked like you hadn't moved all day. And it looked like you'd been crying. Is everything ok?"

I continue to stare at my pizza.

"I know it's none of my business but I just want to make sure you're all right. I thought you had an apartment in London? What happened to your flatmate?" I flinch at the words "did you get locked out or something?"

I try to cover my face as fresh tears begin to fall, I can't escape these feelings.

"Hey Phil it's ok" Thomas comes over to sit next to me and I feel the sofa dip under his weight. He takes my plate out of my hands and puts it on the table, then awkwardly places an arm around my shoulder.

I can't go to pieces again. I've had enough of this. I take a deep breath, trying to muster up the courage to talk.

"S... something's happened" I force out "and I had to leave" I wipe my eyes on the back of my sleeve.

"Ok..." Thomas says cautiously, like I might shatter if he talks too loud "is it ok if you tell me what happened?"

"My flatmate... Dan" I choke out his name, feeling the anguish that comes with it "I love him" I pause, and Thomas looks at me expectantly "I told him how I felt last night, and he... he..." tears fill my eyes again and a sob escapes my lips. I look Thomas in the eyes "and he told me he had a girlfriend" My body breaks down and all my feeling wash over me like a tidal wave, one that's 30 foot tall and impossible to escape, crashing down on you, pummelling your body until it feels like all your bones are breaking. I collapse into Thomas, clinging onto him as though the ground is threatening to swallow me up.

"Shhh its ok Phil" Thomas wraps his arms around me gingerly, obviously flustered by a friend he hasn't seen for years turning up on his doorstep and now having a meltdown in front of him. "I'm sure he's feeling awful too right now, but you just need some time"

"I'm sorry" I manage to whisper "but you were the only one he couldn't contact, and I didn't want him to come and find me"

"That's ok. You're strong Phil; I think you'll be all right in the end."

I hope so. But all I can see in my future is pain and rejection.