Worth Waiting For

Part 15

Phil's POV

It's happening again.

I'm stumbling blindly through the streets, trying to escape. Trying to escape Dan. Trying to escape all the things he made me feel, all the things he did to make it worse.

I struggle to remember the way back to Thomas' in my panic. My brain has become a jumble of thoughts I can't control.

I went out to buy some clothes and things. I couldn't keep borrowing Thomas' stuff, and as I'm not planning on going back to the apartment anytime soon, I need some stuff to wear. And with Thomas going away in a few days, I needed to make other arrangements.

So I was coming back from the shops when I decided to take a walk through the park. It was the first time I'd properly been outside, so I thought I'd take advantage of the anonymity in the city and experience some more positive surroundings. I was just starting to feel a hint of normality returning, when I saw them. Saw them at the worst possible moment. I realised what I could never have, what had been denied to me but given to another. And it tore me in two.

So I ran; the only thing my body would allow me to do. And now I'm racing, crashing through the streets as far away as I can possibly get. Of all the moments to see them. Fate is laughing at me.

I almost fall through the front door of Thomas' house, sobbing as I collapse onto the floor. Why is this happening? Why did-

And then I realise.

I can't let this destroy me. I can't let this be the end. Dan has made his decision, he chose that girl. Now I have to make mine. Will I cry constantly, drowning in misery for the rest of my life? Or will I do the hard thing – moving on and surviving. It would be so easy to slip into despair, but I cannot live like that for eternity.

I silently pick myself up from the floor, gathering the scattered objects around me. I close the door and take my things into the lounge, which has been my refuge for the last few days. I take out my phone as I set my bags down on the table, finding the contact I am looking for. With shaking fingers, I begin to write a message. It was only yesterday that I texted him, asking if I could stay while Thomas was away. I was supposed to be going in a few days, but now it can no longer wait. Not when Dan could be around every street corner. Not when the city that was my home has me scared to go out, for fear of having to confront my feelings.

No- I won't let myself be chained by my fear, I will overcome it. In time. I write –

Hey Peej, I was wondering if I could come over today? I know its short notice but I really need to get out of here

He reply comes a few seconds later –

Of course Phil. Let me know when you're getting here, everything will be ok

I smile – a genuine smile. There are people I can rely on, even when it feels as though the whole world is against me.

I begin to gather my stuff together, not that I have much stuff to gather. Thomas comes into the room and sees me packing, confusion creeping into his expression.

"Is everything ok?" he asks, giving me a concerned look.

"Do I really need to answer that?" I question. At least I can use humour about my situation. "I'm going to stay with another friend. I need to get out of London, I just feel like I need some space to breathe." He doesn't look convinced.

"Did something happen?"

I pause, hands halfway to my bag. For a moment I think I will break down again, everything I have just realised being carried away on the breeze. No. I need to get through this. "I saw Dan and... his girlfriend. It made me realise that I need to get out of here."

Thomas gives me a weak smile, understanding. "Well you'll always be welcome here Phil, anytime you need me"

I thank him for his kindness, and then am on my way.

***

The scenery is a blur as the train races through the countryside. Houses form tiny dots in the distance and I wonder how many people are out there, how many lives the people on this train are oblivious to as we speed past. I wonder if, in the future, our paths will ever cross.

The greenery becomes sparser as we reach the edges of Brighton. Housing estates erupt through the stretch of green, roads slicing through the lush green like tarmac rivers. I feel the train begin to slow as we pull into the station. When we at last come to a halt, I pick up my things and leave the train. The other passengers are clueless of my situation, just as I am unknowing of theirs.

PJ is waiting for me on the platform. When I reach him, he pulls me into a tight hug and I feel his warmth against me. We remain in comfortable silence during the taxi ride to the house, the fact that we are next to each other providing enough of a comfort.

PJ helps me carry my stuff into the house and once we are inside, he addresses me for the first time.

"Phil, I know the last few days must have been hard, and you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But Dan has told me his side of the story, and I would be grateful if you could tell me yours."

My mind wants to shatter into a million pieces, but I know that if I want to move forward, I must first accept the past. So I do.

"I've had... feelings for Dan ever since before I came out. I think that's partly what made me realise that I wasn't straight. Then the other night Dan demanded that I tell him what was upsetting me, and he said he had something to tell me too. God, I'm so stupid. I thought maybe he was about to tell me that he liked me, so I decided to tell him how I felt. And when I did, he told me he had a girlfriend. So I ran away." PJ puts a hand on my shoulder, letting me know that it's ok to be upset. "I went to stay with a friend from uni, but I think the state I was in scared him. Then he said he had to go away on business, so I had to go buy clothes and stuff, coz the only things I brought from the apartment were my jacket, my phone and my credit card. Then when I was coming back from the shops... I saw them in the park, kissing. And I realised I couldn't be there anymore." I descend into tears as PJ wraps his arms around me.

"Don't worry Phil, I'm here for you. You can stay here for as long as you want, I won't tell him where you are."

My only response is to hug him tighter.