Crossroads

Forever is Composed of Nows

Song : Mumford & Sons - Believe 

How do you ask someone a question when you realize that if asked in return, you couldn't give them a clear answer? How selfish did that make you when you expected that person to be the one to reveal their intentions only because that would in turn calm your insecurities? Help you make a final decision? Take the weight of your shoulders?

How utterly selfish indeed.

A perfectly sane person would make a list of what it was that he or she knew to be true, facts that could not be denied because they were felt. So I tried to put sanity front and center and ask simple questions to myself before I came to the final question.

Did I like the Raven's pack? Yes, I liked them very much.

Could I see myself being responsible for them? Yes, I could.

Could I live here permanently? I suppose I could.

Was I too young to settle down? By wolf standards no, by my own probably yes. So that's a maybe.

Would I be alright if this turned out to be a failed attempt of a match? Yes, I would move on.

Those were the reasonable questions but emotions often override reason and for me this was uncharted territory. Never had a problem like this before. Everything was almost clear cut for me, easy to solve. Not this.

Did I want Ian for my mate, a bond that once forged cannot be broken?

I huffed into my pillow, quite frustrated with myself. This was ridiculous. I knew that I wanted his body to ravish mine in every possible way, preferably with many changes in positions and with no regard to our surroundings or in which surface the ravishing would take place. Yes, I wanted him badly but that was lust. Chemistry, attraction, compatibility, call it what you want, the need was there. I knew that much and when he got back from the mine's closing, that was top on my to do list. There was no dispute about that, no second thoughts, no matter the outcome of all this. I wanted him and I trusted him with my body. My soul was the problem. Did I want to give him that as well? Did he want it?

My wolf was being conspicuously quiet through all my internal debate but that was fair I guess. I had all but blamed her these last days for the amount of conflict that I faced because it was her nature that drove us here in the first place, Ian's wolf was "The Mate" for her and she wanted him, preferably chained to the bed with a pretty red bow that she would tear apart with her fangs.

It was childish of me to pick a fight with her, I knew that especially since she hadn't interfered with my original decision to come here, despite her desires. I needed to vent and she was available. I rejected the thought of calling back home. I had to choose for myself with no external opinions. Nobody to blame but myself.

Ian had left yesterday morning, taking Kenneth with him to be present at the closing of the mine that brought prosperity to their pack and attracted the greed that resulted to the death of loved ones. He had also taken with him Leona and Milo, the other two people who had directly or indirectly been affected by all that had happened in the past and had helped him. I didn't want to go with them. My instinct told me not to, I considered it to be a private moment between them where they could put the past lay to rest. That experience united them, they were a team that needed in a way to say their final goodbyes and look to the future. Each one in their own way.

Ian was particularly quiet the days before they left. He was relaxed when we came back from Cara, smiling when Kenneth nagged that his pictures with Cara and their nephew were better than his and genuinely being his charming self. As the date grew closer, he was distracted and he chose to take long runs, on his own.