"i think i'm depressed today. that probably sounds stupid. i don't know.. there are certain days when i feel like i can conquer anything i put my mind to, and be happy with whatever the outcome is.. and others where i want to cry and slit my wrists and douse myself in bleach and hope it ends up in my stomach so i can die a painful death like i was always meant to. i think i'm depressed today, but everyone around me is complimenting my smile, my laugh, the way i walk with confidence that's only on the outside so i can't be depressed, right? i'm obviously faking if i can force myself to get out of bed and say 'hi good morning' to my parents and they say 'hi good morning, did you sleep well?' and i want to scream no, but i can't scream no i have to say yes, because if i do not say yes they will yell at me for being "over dramatic." i think i'm depressed today, only that can't be true because i walk around with a fake smile, fake laugh, fake walk and talk but as i said it's all fake, yet nobody believes the girl with the bright red hair and the fake metal in her face and the marker ink on her skin that she will not take away because she's obviously just the human embodiment of the cry for attention. i cannot be depressed tomorrow i say as i overdose on my sleeping pills that don't work to put me to sleep, but work to keep me up at night and think awful dark thoughts inside of my fucked up head, and i want to cry but i cannot show negative emotion because i'm supposed to be happy, the people said so.. but the people also said to take the medication that makes me want to kill myself even more than i did in the first place.
i think i'm depressed today. only that can't be true, because i'm not conscious anymore. i did what i had to do. i ended it. i think i'm happy today. because the suffering has officially stopped."
^ i wrote this the yesterday.. after watching anti gay videos and sitting in my grandfather's old house, that we ended up selling today because he moved in with his new wife.. it's been over 3 years and i'm still not over my grandmother's death. grandpa's new wife is an evil witch who tries to win us our love with money and presents. i want to die.
