South Park Gets A Little Gayer

Wendy And Kyle Fight

Now, I could tell you about the other events that happened on Tuesday, such as the radioactive meatloaf monster that came from the lunchroom and needed to have an orgy with former presidents to be calmed down, but who really cares about that stuff? Now it was Wednesday, and currently two serious things were happening today.

The first was the highly anticipated fight between Kyle Broflovski and Wendy Testaburger. The loser would have to drop out of Stan's life forever. Eric Cartman has been taking bets of the outcome, and so far Wendy was winning by two bets. Neither of them were scared, they were actually quite confident in their abilities. An interesting fight, I'd say. And poor Stanley Marsh can't talk either of them out of it.

The second thing to happen today, Sheila Broflovski was to go and try to convince the mayor of South Park that the homosexuals were poisoning children's minds and that they needed to be sent to a death cam- I mean, work camp. That has no death whatsoever. Nope.

Ah, yes. Wednesday was going to be a crazy day. Was it going to be crazier than Thursday though? Well, we'll burn that bridge when we cross it. Let's worry about Wednesday, okay Speedy Gonzalez?

xxx

The children of South Park elementary were buzzing with the news of the fight that would take place at recess. Even the teachers were all gossiping about it. Mr. Garrison postponed his Lost quiz to Friday, and gave the kids a free period. He turned on Bill Nye just in case the principal happened to walk by. Principals always bought that Bill Nye shit.

"So, you think you'll win today, Wendy?" Bebe Stevens asked, all the girls' desks huddled together so they could properly talk about this without the boys cutting in.

Before she could answer, another girl named Red butt in, "Of course she will! Wendy kicked Cartman's fat ass before, she can take Broflovski."

"Yeah," Wendy agreed proudly, "and when he pleads for mercy, I'm gonna make him cry. I'll make him say...hmm..."

"'My name is Kyle Broflovski and I am a huge pussy'!" Heidi Turner suggested, a grin on her face.

"Yes!" The girls erupted into giggles, drawing attention from the boys, who were huddled together as well.

"Think they're planning something, dude?" Token Black asked, looking a bit fearful of the ladies.

"Nah, man. They're just talking about One Direction's balls or something," Craig said, hand intertwined with Tweek's shaky one. This was now seen as a totally normal thing by the boys.

"Yeah! Or maybe they're planning to lock the door or kill Kyle right now! OR MAYBE ALL OF US OH GOD NO-" Tweek was cut off by Craig, who stuck a Slim Jim into his mouth.

"Think you'll win today, Kyle? Wendy's awfully good at beating people up," Butters Stotch looked mildly worried for his Jewish friend. "Remember her fight with Eric?"

"Butters, shut up. Dumb bitch has luck, that's all," Cartman said, even though it was common knowledge he got his fat ass handed to him by Wendy.

"No, y-you got your a- ahh- aahhhh- aaass handed to you," Jimmy pointed out.

"Please. Wendy just thinks she's tough because she beat this tub of lard," Kyle jerked his finger at Cartman, getting an 'EY' in response. "I'll be fine."

"Why do you guys even have to fight? Dude, this is so dumb," Stan said, trying desperately to stop this fight that was apparently about him somehow.

"Stan, it's not. Wendy thinks she owns you, man. This will put her right in her place." Kyle was sure he'd prove to be victorious in this fight. Would he? Well, let's find out already, you impatient fucks!

xxx

To the left, take it back now y'all.

It was recess, and time for the fight. All the children of South Park Elementary were crowding around the playground, even the Goth Kids were there.

"This is such conformist bullshit," Henrietta commented, smoking her awesome antique pipe.

"Definitely. Just a stupid cheerleader bitch and some fag fighting over a jock. Same teenage fucking thing," Pete sighed, Micheal and Firkle nodding in agreement. Funny how they were so against it but really wanted to see who would win. Perhaps they were the conformists? What a twist!

Kyle and Wendy were both ready to rumble, their jackets tossed off somewhere and Wendy's hair tied up in a ponytail. Kyle wouldn't ever take his stupid green hat off, so that stayed on. What a damn dork.

"Dude, are you really sure about this?" Stan asked his friend, glancing at the glowering Wendy across from them.

Kyle looked at her as well, a confident smirk on his little Jewish face. "Positive." He walked up to Wendy, his determination mirroring Wendy's.

Then, the fight began.

xxx

We interrupt this awesome fight to bring you the boring, long meeting between Sheila Broflovski and Mayor McDaniels. Ah, I'm just fucking with you. But the end of it is kind of important.

"I must say, Mrs. Broflovski, you do make a good argument. And here I thought you were just being a complaining bitch as always..." McDaniels looked down at Sheila's petition from the town, her decision becoming clear. Even if no one would like it, it had to be done.

"I only want to protect the children in this town, Mayor McDaniels. Please, do what's right and send those homosexual men away! For the children!" Sheila gripped her picture of Ike and Kyle to her chest, looking pretty damn sincere, even if this was a really stupid thing to do. Where did she even get that picture?

"Well, I think you're right. Starting tomorrow, South Park will be a gay-free zone! For the children of South Park!" Mayor McDaniels stood, a sure smile on her face. Sheila stood as well, beaming.

"Oh...Jesus Christ..." Mr. Slave whispered from under her desk, texting the local gay men with the speed of a thousand suns. This was not good at all.

xxx

Now, back to the super epic fight that was happening.

While we were away at that meeting, we missed Kyle pulling a chunk of Wendy's hair off, Wendy punching Kyle in the stomach until he threw up, and Kyle shoving Wendy's face into that vomit. Yum.

Things had gotten out of hand, and the two were now beating the shit out of each other in the jungle gym. No one could see a thing.

"Who's winning? This is bullshit!" Bebe huffed, looking at her iPhone in distaste. She couldn't post the video on YouTube with this quality!

"Wait, look!" Millie said, pointing. The fighting had seemed to stop, and a winner was determined. Everyone crowded around the slide to see.

There, sliding down with a look of victory was...Wendy Testaburger. The beaten, bruised Kyle followed, an absolutely devastating look on his face.

"I won. It's over." The girls cheered, picking Wendy up and whisking her away to go to Starbucks for celebration. They took Stan as well, mostly against his will. The boys, however, crowded around Kyle, both amused and sympathetic.

"I can't believe it...she won again..." Clyde shook his head, looking down at the bloody Kyle in amazement.

"She won...it's over..." Kyle repeated and shakily got up, tears running down his cheeks.

"Aw, don't cry, Kyle! Sure, Wendy beat you up in front of the whole school but...uh, well..." Butters tried to think of a good thing about this situation, but couldn't.

"I don't care about that, Butters. Now...I have to leave Stan alone. Forever." Kyle fell to the snowy ground, sobs escaping without any sort of resistance. The boys all shifted uncomfortably.

In the background, Damien was watching in delight. Yes, this was the beginning of the end. His father would rule- no, he would rule this time!

"Oh dear. I believe that chap needs a medic," Pip said, earning another bop to the head.