Just a Mess

Her

-or him, whatever she's feeling. But that's besides the point. I will always love this person no matter what.

And I've been alright lately, in comparison to what I once was. However there's still a nerve that gets hit the more I see people fall for her- romantically or as a friend. She's so  easy to love once you get to her first layer, more and more as you peel all of them back. Of course, I haven't gotten to the deepest layers myself, maybe he has, I don't know. But it's enough to fall in love with her, and I'm sure many of her friends have fallen for her in a platonic sense too. She's a mess; a complete, utterly beautiful mess. I wish I could explain to her how much I love her.. genuinely... but in the fear of making her feel uncomfortable I don't. I wish I could take her in my arms without feeling intrusive. I wish I could tell her I appreciate her and all she's ever done for me, that my world still spins because of her. That I still miss her all the time, and that I'll forever long for what I never really had. I'll look back on the past and hate that I felt bad for calling her babe, telling her she's beautiful, or wishing to see her every moment, only because she didn't usually reciprocate. I felt bad for it. And for the nights I spilled my heart and she didn't always say anything at all. I hate the times I've tried to pass off as her casual friend by delivering donuts or whatever else by saying "I was just passing by getting something for me on my way to see you and got you these." I wish I could have delivered her KFC and flowers in the middle of the day for our anniversary or just because I was thinking about her; or showed up to her house at 2am because she was crying. But I couldn't. It's all out of fear.. There's so much fear. I wish I didn't have to be afraid. I wish everyone could have accepted us.. I wish she could have accepted me. But either way she's the one I'll live for, the one that gives me purpose. And maybe I don't get to see every side of her, but at least I get the privilege to love her. I've gotten lucky enough to have known her at all, haven't I? Regardless of all this, sometimes these things bother me, but I'm okay where I stand with her anyway.. I'm pretty happy with things as they are.

(I don't know what this is or what I'd add to it but I'm leaving this up for any of the random things I feel like writing about)