Just a Mess

Obsession

All my life I've had obsessions. I've had an obsessive personality since I was a child, and I'd get seriously involved in those things. I would attempt to get my sister into them too, but never to my extent. I tried with my old friends too, but to no avail, not quite. And looking back at old conversations with them.. I seemed to annoy them with my excitement.. they didn't seem as interested as I thought they were when I was younger. I guess that's why I keep so quiet about my obsessions now.. now I notice the silent rejection and it scares me, I wish someone would care, but I don't blame them. It's weird to think most people aren't like this. But anyway, it often lead to far too many drawings, lots of talking to myself as a substitute, impulsive buys of merch or episodes. Then rewatching them all, over and over, without growing old of it. Memorizing everything, becoming a knowledgable expert, getting dangerously attached to fictional (usually) characters. Obsessions have before plagued my entire everyday life, every decision, every thought. Most times these would have occupied my mind as much as a crush or human being would take over my thoughts, not that I've ever had many people do that to me anyway. But I couldn't ever get anybody on that level with me. Of course it's discouraging, not being able to share excitement over something with someone close. And I feel like.. that could be the reason it spirals even further. The lack of someone to converse with leads to seeking it from online where you run into the plethora of fan made videos, writing.. everything else. And it consumes you, the obsessive energy of the rest of them transcends to you. Not to say that's my reason for obsessing, that just came naturally anyway. I guess the fandom only adds another layer. And when the obsession would inevitably fade off as it does, though it has sometimes taken years, it was then that I realized in the clutter of my mind I couldn't see that the thing I obsessed over wasn't worth the hype I gave it at all. Was it my perception, blindly idealizing these things when in reality I created a world of them with more meaning than it was intended to have? I suppose I've always been one to overanalyze and romanticize everything and that connects to my obsessive personality.. I don't know. Maybe now I just sound crazy or something, but I wouldn't be denying it. At least if nobody will discuss them with me, I feel like I'm being listened to on here.

(Nobody cares about this I'm aware but my new love for Steven Universe inspired this and I felt compelled to write)