Just a Mess

Faux

There's such a fine line between what's real and what isn't. It didn't use to be, that's why it's all so confusing. I find it strange that you're unaware how confusing you are, in your signals, your tone, your words. Your actions. I know you often don't understand yourself either, maybe you keep secrets and have your denials and I would never know. I am terribly gullible and you know that, and unless it's otherwise blatantly obvious sarcasm or a joke, I won't know it's not real. I know it's hard for you to speak in a language other than sarcasm, it's your wall, your defense. You're constantly changing, but I know you're still capable of sweetness, I know he gets it. That's why I'm not sure why it never comes to me too, that's why I won't reciprocate. I feel rejected if I do. If I compliment you in any way, or show you any softness it just... it just feels like I've insulted you... or something. Isn't it weird? And you've lied to me to make me happy many times before, and though looking back it was obviously not genuine, it was still believable. I hope anything you've said or done at this point that wasn't obviously a joke, has been real. I don't need false hope or anything else. I'm tired of guessing. And I know we'll never speak of anything, so I just hope you'll tell me off if I'm taking a "joke" too seriously. I'm trusting you.. I only want honesty now. Even if it hurts me, though less and less has had the capability to do that anyway. 

This is messy. And I also know you're probably confused and don't give a shit about any of this, and I wish I looked at everything so carelessly too.. I really do.