The Crazy Apes: A Satire of Human Society

How Sweet it Is!

Modern humans have a love affair with sugar and fat: the two things that are predisposing us to hardening of the arteries with consequential heart failure or stroke.

The following dialogue is between two chimpanzees named Abu and Mabu: I use A and M to distinguish the speaker.

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M: Abu, you wouldn't believe the things humans eat. Very little of it is natural, and very little of that is properly ripened.

A: Tell me about it, Mabu.

M: Well, most of what they eat comes packaged in strange containers, which they buy at food stores, none of which looks fresh or appetizing, but they eat it with so much gusto!

A: How could it be?

M: Do you remember how much weight I had gained when I was in captivity?

A: I sure do. You looked twice the size as before.

M: The reason is that everything humans eat has lots of fat and sugar. That's what they use to make processed food taste good.

A: That explains why you had gained so much weight.

M: Not only that, they kept me inside all the time so I became sedentary like them. If I had stayed there much longer I would have probably died an early death. I couldn't stand that kind of life.

A: Tell me more of what they eat.

M: All I can tell you is that other than fruit and vegetables, everything they eat is unrecognizable. I really had no idea what they ate and what they were feeding me, other than the bananas, which were never in short supply. They must have thought that I liked them because they gave me several each day. Little did they know that I really didn't like them.

A: Why was that? You love bananas!

M: What we call bananas and what they call bananas are two different things: completely different taste!

A: Why is that?

M: They were still green when they bought them. Can you imagine how green they were when they were harvested?

A: What about the processed food they ate?

M: I can't possibly tell you what it was, but some of it, particularly what came out of cans, looked quite disgusting, nevertheless it tasted good.

A: I suppose it couldn't have been all that nutritious.

M: All I can tell you is that it was very fattening. If I had stayed much longer with them I would have ended up just as fat as them, and they were pretty fat!

A: How can you blame them if that's all they have to eat?

M: I don't blame them at all. I actually felt sorry for them.

A: Why should you feel sorry? They chose that life style. Nobody imposed it on them!

M: I'm not so sure about that. In the human world, individuals have very little choice. All the big decisions are made by the powerful few: the elite.

A: And, of course, the elite don't make decisions in the best interests of the masses!

M: How right you are, Abu!

A: So, if people become sick or obese because of what they're given to eat, nobody really cares.

M: Ain't that the truth! Those in power only care about amassing more wealth and power; and if that means that people have to be fed unhealthy foods, so be it!

A: Poor humans, modern life is killing them in more ways than one!

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We don't have to compare ourselves to our distant cousins to see how unhealthy our food really is. Scientists have done studies of our brethrens in the Amazon, who live a fairly primitive life, not unlike other primates, and discovered that they're much healthier than us. In particular, they found that humans living in the Amazon have much better circulatory systems. Cardiologists have concluded that the heart and arteries of 80-year olds there are as good as those of 50-year olds in the U.S. – an astonishing difference!

The reason for the difference: sugar and fat! Our Amazonian brethren eat no refined sugar and very little fat, which comes mostly from fish and forest wildlife. Of course, they're not couch potatoes like us. They have to roam for their food; they don't drive to the supermarket or the restaurant the way we do!