The Diary That Was Long Overdue

March 23rd 2012

  Well some things are looking up, but others not so much. I actually enjoy going to therapy now. I was definitely wrong about my therapist Bonnie is fantastic. She's chill easy to talk too and doesn't pass any judgement. I can talk to her about everything and when I break down in her office she is there for me with tissues in her hand. She wants me to try group therapy too. I'm not thrilled about that at all. Took me forever to talk to her let alone a new therapist and a room full of strangers.
   I guess I don't really have a choice though seeing as I'm barely 14. Who knows I might like it. Hopefully I'll get in the same group as one of my best friends Anne. Anne struggles daily too. We grew up together her dad is best friends with my grandmother. We know everything about each other, and we lean on each other. It's not always a good thing though because we feel so much pain, and we find things to do to escape reality. Annes dad married an abusive alcoholic.. She beats on Anne exclusively. She mentally abuses her and her father any time she drinks. Then Anne and I connect because we are bigger and the not so pretty girls, were poor and we have low self esteem. We find our worth in older guys.
    Right now I'm not allowed to hang out with Anne, she stole money from my grandfather and lied to about it to my mom. My mom can't stand a liar. I'm not mad at Anne, I know she wasn't thinking straight and I miss her. Maybe we will get lucky and be in the same group. I don't really have a lot of friends, and I need someone right now. I can fill myself slipping deeper and deeper into my depression again. I don't know if its the side effect of lithium or if it's just the fact that my life is continuous shit.
  I feel so alone. Mom and Dad finally split up, and this time I think it might be for good. I say finally cause it's been a long time coming. They fought all the time.. Mom's got a short fuse and dads got a drug problem. It was a huge blow out.. Screaming and yelling talking down on one another.. Right in front of my brother Donnie and I's eyes. It got physical too..Mom hitting dad and dad pushing mom. Then Mom did the absolute worst thing and made me pick a side, before I knew it the fight had become a family war. My grandparents my parents my brother and one of my baseball coaches we called "pill head" was there. Everyone was on sides and everyone was so angry about stuff.. Who's stuff was who's.. I couldn't understand.
   I was forced to be on my mom's side, since my father wasn't my biological father he had no rights. I would have picked mom right now anyways, my dad died awhile ago and the drugs turned him into a monster. Donnie was on Dad's side. Not that he could help it. Everything exploded. Next thing I knew we trapped Donnie in the house and dad outside. We held my brother hostage over a fucking weight set. Next thing I know is Dad and pill head busting down the garage door. I was so scared.. I remember not knowing what to do or what was to come next.
   Finale, my brother told me he hated me and called me a trader. My heart really started to break then. That was nothing compared to what my dad said to me though.. "you're not my daughter, you never were I got stuck with your little bitchy ass Colleen (his next youngest daughter) is my only babygirl. I can't wait to leave you behind". I lost it. My entire heart shattered in my chest and my soul left me. I remember screaming FUCK YOU so loud I popped my own ears then locking myself in my bedroom and sobbing to myself violently. I remember before I fell asleep wishing someone would just shoot me and get it over with.
   I haven't had anyone to comfort me, and I really am starting to think about attempting suicide again. Moms too sad to comfort me, my brother hates me as well as my dad. I'm not allowed to see my best friend, and to top it off I'm already hurting. I just got released from the Looney Ben a few months ago. I'm not stable enough to handle this. This is my life though a living fucking hell. No one would care all that much if I was gone anyways. I have to get creative this time though mom locks up all the pills.