The Diary That Was Long Overdue

August 31st 2012

Well David and I broke up. I chose it though, he kinda freaked when he found out my age. He was worried about getting caught and what it would do to his life. I hadn't realised that if he was caught he would be added to the sex offenders list for life, and that it wouldn't explained what had happened. People would mark him as a pedofile or a rapist. That isn't the life I wanted for him, he deserved better. So I ended it with a poem I had written through the ache in my chest and the swollen eyes from tears.
    " It kills me to do this
      but ignorance isn't bliss
      Now that I know
      I have to let you go
      This isnt the life for you
       If I don't end it my love wouldn't be true
       You were my first love, but you wont be my last
        Sad to say it, but you have to be in the past
         I hope you fulfill your dreams
         And that love breaks throught the seams."
He respected my decision and asked me to wait for him until I was 16, in Indiana theres some Romeo and Juliet law where 16 year olds can legally consent. He said he would never love anyone like he has loved me. I told him, that it wasn't fair for us to wait two years. I wanted him to find happiness in someone, and of course I wanteed my own happiness too. This is just how first loves go they are meant to show you that love can break you like never before. Its a different kind of pain, especially when sometimes its not really a choice. Its the most beautiful pain I have ever experienced. Pain from love instead of hate is different. Youre heart starts full as it pours out the love so you can heal.
Other than that I have started my Sophmore year, and I can tell already that I love my teachers and my classes. The struggle is going to be trying to stay in regular classes and not being kicked back out into virtual. I can already tell Im not a huge fan of my classmates. I am with a bunch of disrespectul punks. I only know one girl, we used to be friends but we had a huge fight. Her name is Cassidy. I met her in middle school. We were friends, then enemies then friends again then enemies. I think its because we are alot alike, and yet so different. Its been over a year since I had seen her or talked to her though, and I could definitely use more friends. Maybe ill try to talk to her tomorrow, I think shes my best chance at having a friend. She seems alone too. Cassidy had an addict for a father as well, and shes been through some hard times like I have, the big difference between us is how we handle our pain. Don't get me wrong she has a loud  mouth and an attitude, but she has something I don't have and thats faith in a God. Our last fight was because I started smooking pot to heal my pain. Shes straight edge, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, doesn't even smooke cigarettes. She doesn't agree with my coping skills. I don't agree with hers either though, whatever suits ya though. If you want to believe in a invisble guy up in the sky then be my guest, but don't push it on me. I have so many reasons not to believe in a god. Number one that damn bible has been rewritten so many times. Number two, if there was this almighty God who can do anything, why oh why is this world so fucked up? Number three how do you honestly believe in something soo far fetched? I never spoke this to her though. One thing my dad taught me early on was to never disrespect anyone else's religion. No matter how much you disgree with them, its not your place to belittle their faith. He told me their is no harm in believing in a higher power, that it only helps you have hope and a feeling of purpose. Why strip that from someone, this world is cruel enough. I agree and disagree with my father. I believe that religion helps more than it harms. I do believe it harms though. Remember I used to be a christain. Hope is one of the worst things to have, and so is ignorance. Especially when the world decides to bite you with ridgid teeth and rips away the life you once had. I was ignorant because I believed in a God and because I was a faithful follower that I was safe from the evils of this world. I was wrong and blind. I had never expected to be where I am today. I never saw it coming. I didn't imagine being dark broken and twisted at 14 from a life that was supposed to be grand. Yet here I am the girl with a broken family, whos in a thousand pieces, a girl who has been raped beaten and humilated , a girl whos been bullied, a girl whos tried to commit suicide twice. This is my life now.  I feel like the scars on my left arm should read words instead.
Broken
Ugly
Raped
Ashamed
Abandoned
Loser
Fat
Bullied