The Diary That Was Long Overdue

October 15th, 2012

I was wrong.. its a lot harder than just saying you will quit. I have been taking one pill every day since I started. I've lost 20 pounds so far, since I can't seem to eat when I'm speeding. I love it.. it makes me feel focused and at the same time liberated, yet I just feel bubbly and peaceful. I originally just wanted the pills to lose weight, but now I take them because of the person I am on them. I'm happy.. really happy. Except when the kids script runs out or I don't have the money. I don't physically withdraw like some people I know or on the TV, but I do mentally withdraw. I become irritable I can't sleep and I'm just angry. All I seem to do when I don't have them is think about them and how I can get some in another way. Cassidy did find out, I mean come on i knew it would happen. She is well to say the least extremely disappointed and doesn't want to be around me. She says until I get clean, I told her I'm not sure that'll ever be the case again. Why be sober and hate my life when I can take a magic pill that makes me like it? Plus since I've lost some of the weight I have become more confident and a mix between that and the pills I've become more sociable. I've started actually making friends at school besides Cassidy. There's this senior i really like his name is Jake, we have history together.  We've become buddies, because I always help him study for the tests and usually give him some answers too. He gives me rides from time to time and has good conversation. I would be okay with getting to stare at him in all seriousness. He has brown hair with those natural blonde highlights broad shoulders, hes got a little chub but not much a good jawline blue eyes behind cute nerdy glasses. He makes me laugh, and he is a sweetheart.  Saying that though, he is a good guy and unfortunately for me that means hes not after a girl my age. I'm okay with just being friends I guess. Then their is this other girl in my history class named Jennifer. Oh my goodness. She is hilarious. She speaks her mind, and I mean always. Whenever a thought enters her mind she says it without flinching. Shes kind of mean but in a funny way, no one takes Jennifer seriously. She is one of those class clowns. I think shes kinda charming in her own weird way. But really history class is my favorite class at the moment. Between Jennifer who is absolutely hysterical and Jake, who's basically as cute as Mcdreamy from greys I'm pretty much sold. I'm not however too much a fan of the actual class content or the teacher for that matter. Mr. Douchebag, he coaches football at another high school and he just has this arrogance to him I absolutely can not stand. You can tell he is only working in our "troubled school" because he didnt have any other job offers. He is always talking about how much he hates this place and how disrespectful all of the kids here are.  Plus he is always always on his computer, there are rumors that he is looking up porn. That is not the case though, I got curious and pretty nosey as well and went up by him to ask a "question"  so I could take a sneak at his screen. What he is really doing is applying for all kinds of jobs to get him out of this one. It makes it easier on us as a class though, because he doesnt really care about us he doesnt make us get quiet or actually try or make us do our work. I do mine anyways because he may not care but it is graded and well I have a fear of bad grades. I'm not entirely sure why, but I feel like if I get a bad grade then the whole worlds going to end or something. Talk about being a nerd? Am I right or? I am normally a straight A student and I prefer it to stat that way. Also being nerdy isnt such a bad thing, hell that's what got Jake to talk to me in the first place. I'll take that! On another note I do miss Cass, I just wish she wasn't so goody goody and would get off my ass. Like chill you're a friend not my mother. Aren't friends supposed to have your back no matter what? Since I'm taking pills she has taken off.. add that to the list of people who have abandoned me.