Slowtown

19

"How 'bout this? How did you feel when you woke up this morning?" Josh asks.

"Uhh," I try to recall. Shit. That's all I felt was, "Shit." No wait, it's beginning to come back... "Anxious, God it was awful. I thought I had to go to school."

"Hm. Me too." He looks pensive. My heart feels tight in my chest. I don't know why.

She breaks the silence with an, "Oh my gosh," and, "I remember when I woke up on the first morning—I was laying on the floor–and Josh came in my room and I hid under the bed because I thought he must be my parents. I was seriously terrified."

Josh is chuckling fondly.

She's collecting the boxes of sparklers and making a big stack.

They both look happy, and I have to wonder how I can be happy here.

I hum a little tune, but not loudly, so they won't mind.

Are these people in front of me real? I get an overwhelming feeling of closeness to them, because maybe I don't really know them yet, but I do know they've been through bad things, they wake up and feel heavy inside, they're tired, they yell, they sob. And I understand at once that this aching that's overcome my soul is a big cry of me too.

A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye. My soul feel withered. It's nearly unbelievable, to share someone's experience, to know so deeply what is happening, it hurts it hurts it hurts.

"Tyler...?" Josh says softly.

It's the me too that brings us here, in this place. It's what connects us and keeps us together.

I keep an eye on the horizon, and the moment the sun begins to set, I stand and tell them I'm going home "so I can get a good nights sleep." Josh offers to take me back, but I insist on going alone. Just for today. Yeah, it's only like 7 or 8, but I'm going before it gets dark.

So Josh nears the back door, ready to open it. Jenna hugs me goodbye, and my fingers twitch repeatedly. A "see you tomorrow, okay?" from a happy Josh. And I leave. And now I am walking alone. Don't think just walk you're just walking don't think about today.

Man, it sure is difficult to breath all of a sudden, just as I pass the graveyard.

***

I move over and lay on the couch, Josh rather carelessly throwing the door closed.

"Hey, what's Tyler's last name?" I ask to the ceiling but direct at him.

"What are you thinking about Jenna Joseph?" Ugh, I can hear the mischief in his voice.

"Shut up. It's just a thing I didn't hear mentioned," I squeeze my eyes closed. "Joseph," I say to myself.

***

I'm having a serious dilemma: do I actually want to sleep or not? Okay, if I stay awake I'll definitely start thinking about my first random-ass day in a new place, which is not favorable for my fragile sanity. But I can't sleep.

Fine. I'll think.

Josh floats into my mind. Warm eyes and smiles and a soft voice speaking troubling words. And Jenna. Her and her blond hair and pretty lips and sparklers and unknown past. And the doctor... Lisa, she really weirded me out. All I can conjure when thinking of her is the tiredness she exuded this morning. It was a heaviness she carried all around her, a tiredness of... life.