21 : beware

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voice memo from defendant's phone, 03/04/17

"I want to do all these things that I can't. I want to make this court hearing go away, be done with it even if it means I'm in prison for the rest of my life. I want to believe in religion to have some sort of salvation, but nobody reminds me of god. I want to be okay when I hear the words 'I love you', but I can't bring myself to become accustomed to those three simple words, not even from the boy I love more than life itself. And just looking at myself, I ask, 'Where did this all come from? When did I become this cowardly girl, cowering in fear from words and feelings?' When did I become so-"

A muffled sound of crying. A pause.

"So human, I guess. And I mean human in a bad sense, as in vulnerable, sensitive, and so easy to tear apart emotionally."

"My smile is my makeup, my necklace is my noose. The mess I've made with my own bare hands is the hair that sits on my head. The words and feelings that confine me are my dress, the ties that bind me to these terrible acts and places are my heels."

"At last, I am ready for the formal event."

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