Stripped

Let's Hurt Tonight

There's something about how she smiled at me at that moment. I've got to admit that it caught me off guard because it was a familiar smile but I couldn't place it. I brushed it off and continued walking toward The Strip, with her hand in mine. It surprised me that she let me hold her hand and only let go when we reached the Fountains of Bellagio and she leaned on the railing.

All the lights were still up on The Strip but there were less people walking about. Some were probably holed up in the clubs or already snoring their drunkenness in hotel lobbies and hallways. I watched her stare in wonder at the dancing water and lights. She smiled in the beginning but her face turned melancholic, as if remembering a sad memory.

"Five years ago, I wished to find love here."

Oh, she's opening up. I chuckled.

"Funny, me too."

I felt her glance in my direction but I kept staring out to the fountain.

"You had the same wish? Five years ago?" She asked.

I turned to face her. "Not exactly, but yeah, something like that," I said smiling at her, then pointed at the opposite end of the fountain. "There. I was standing there when I wished to find happiness. I was on my last year of college and I felt like I was the only one without a stable relationship. I wished to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. It was a silly wish really, as silly as any other college person's wish."

"I don't think it's silly at all. To be honest, I think it's cool. I thought I was the only crazy person who'd wish here when we--"

"Can't even throw in a penny or something."

We laughed after saying it at the same time.

"So, did you... uh... get your wish?" She asked shyly.

"Well, I can't really say yet," I paused to stare at her face, "I am hoping, but I think I'm too late." I looked away before she could catch me staring.

"How about you?" I asked nonchalantly, although if she's getting married soon, the answer would be yes.

"Yeah..."

I figured as much and yet I felt a pinch in my heart for getting it confirmed.

"After I made a wish, I started walking toward there where you were to meet with my sister, her boyfriend and his friend. But I couldn't see them so I rummaged through my purse for my phone so I could call. I bumped into a guy. He made my wish come true. You could say that it was love at first sight."

It's hard to miss her sad smile while talking about it. It was confusing because this sounded like one of the happiest days of her life, and yet there she was on the verge of breaking down. I had the urge to hold her but I figured she might freak out if I just suddenly hug her or something. So I stayed quiet and let her continue.

"And then he's gone. I got my wish but I lost it too."

"Oh."

"He was my first love. Everything was so perfect. Then one day, it all just ended. Poof. Gone."

No wonder she's suffering.

"But uhmm... actually you don't have to answer if you don't want to..."

"It's fine. Shoot."

"Do you still love him?"

"You know, that's a really good question. A part of me thinks yes, but at the same time I don't want to hold on to it because I do want to move on. But you know, when you lose someone, it's like a part of you is lost too. It doesn't even matter if it's a thing, a person, a pet. Loss, in any shape or form changes you. When I lost him, I felt like I lost a chunk of my world. He left a gaping hole in my heart, the spot that he occupied for the longest time. I couldn't do anything to fill the void. Until now, a part of me still feels dark, empty, like a black hole, even after all this time. And it scares me shitless that this emptiness will never go away. I keep wishing for the day to come that I'll feel alive and complete again, but I got stuck in an eternal sunset. It felt like it would only get light enough for me to succumb to darkness and emptiness all over again."