Quantum Parenting

Quantum Parenting. Part 3 - Food, Cooking, and the Location of Testicles

Part 3 – Food, Cooking, and the Location of Testicles

As you can see I’ve had far too much time on my hands recently where I’ve had writing materials but not been allowed to use a computer. This has resulted in a mass brain dump of the stuff that has gone before and continues to come afterwards in numerical march. I apologise in advance…

31.            Teaching kids to cook is essential. At some point in the future they will end up cooking for you. If you want to eat beans on toast for Christmas lunch in twenty years time, that’s entirely up to you.

32.            Trying to get kids to revise for exams is even more pointless than trying to get them to tidy their room.

33.            DIY should not be carried out with kids in the house unless you are happy to spend two hours tidying up at the end and scrubbing small children with turpentine (which they will then try to drink or set fire to, or both).

34.            All parents must have a picture of any small child with an ice-cream covered face.

35.            …and a picture of various neighbourhood kids all in the bath together. These must then be kept and brought out twenty odd years later when a prospective partner is introduced for the first (and sometimes last) time.

36.            All dads dance like their dads, unless they’ve had a couple of drinks and then they dance brilliantly (like their dads).

37.            All children under the age of five have a built in testicle locator. Whether you are stood up or sitting down, a small person can always jump on you in such a way that an elbow or knee ends up in your groin. If you lift them up, a foot will always find its way into your tender areas as you do so, meaning that you have to put them down somewhat hastily whilst trying not to drop them, cry, swear or clutch yourself.

38.            Facial hair confuses babies (really, it does).

39.            Do not lick a child’s fingers clean of chocolate. Other things are brown and sticky too.

40.       Small boys wrestle constantly.

41.       Girls can argue better than boys at any age in their lives (and retain the testicle locator throughout life).

Thanks to Zombie45 (Craig) for the following four…

42.       You know when you have teenagers when Facebook and MSN become more of a parent than you.

43.       Teenagers are never wrong. And under no circumstances should a parent oppose any decision a teenager has made, at least not openly.

44.       The family home will at some point become a hotel. Your clientele will expect a hot dinner on the table at certain times, and their washing and ironing should be done and piled neatly in their room for when they need to go out at the drop of a hat to hang around on the corner talking shite/ having important conversations with their friends (please delete relevant words depending on age).

45.       Parents don’t have lives, and are expected to drop everything when they receive a text saying “can you pick me up from my friend’s house in twenty minutes.”  Getting a sign to put in the car saying “Dad’s Taxi” is usually met with sarcasm and / or a “You’re so embarrassing dad” style comment.

46.       Young girls are hopeless at picking up used knickers.  

47.       Fathers do not generally understand ladies underwear at any age.

48.       Or makeup.

49.       Or dolls.

50.       All fathers hate teenage boys, because they used to be one, and remember what they were like at the same age.

51.       All mothers like teenage boys, as they are still trying to make up for what their own fathers said to any teenage boy that came within a mile of them when they were teenage girls.

52.       Small children stare at you if you’re bald.

This is definitely true, and you can always tell when a child has never seen an utterly bald man before (and yes, I am). Many stare; a few will eventually pluck up the courage to ask you a question.

All of these have been directed at me by small children :

“Were you sad when you hair went away?”

“Did your mummy take your hair away because you did something naughty?”

“Is that cold in winter?”

“My mummy said that would happen to me if I left the car window open…”

“Don’t worry; my mummy said it grows back if your brother cuts your hair.”

The highlight of my baldness came last Christmas when one of my twin sons (aged 3 at the time) proudly marched up to a jolly looking Santa and declared in his loudest (and of course most gravelly) voice

“My Daddy’s got no hair!”

Santa calmly asked my smiling son if I would like a wig for Christmas.

I wasn’t actually there with them at the time as they’d all gone to the grotto on a little train with my wife allowing me to try and panic buy the last few Christmas presents, rather than buying them in the late night garage again on Christmas Eve.

The first I knew about it was when I was greeted by a very large crowd of smiling people as they alighted onto the platform and, being the only follically challenged male present at the station, it was pretty obvious to everyone but me what was going on. Lots of broadly grinning people walked past me and wished me a Merry Christmas, some commenting that I had great kids.

Bloody smart arse Santa. And I didn’t even get a woolly hat for Christmas…

53.       Daddy’s hugs are not as emotionally powerful as Mummy’s.

54.       Young children and dogs are effective contraceptives.

55.       Getting children into the bath is difficult; getting them out again is hellish.

56.       If it’s broken, it’s yours.

57.       No one is ever “ready” to be a parent. You may think you are, but you’ll not say that three months after your first child is born.

58.       Never underestimate the effects of eating mummy’s last piece of chocolate without permission.

59.       Dads don’t try to be annoying; it’s just their natural state.

60.       Small children do not get bored of repeating the same question over and over again.

This also applies to certain phrases or the ever present ‘Why?’ at a young age. Somewhere around three to five, everything you say is immediately countered by a ‘Why?’ You then find yourself explaining and getting drawn into an endless loop of continual explanation, which with experience tends to terminate in the conversation

“Why?”

“Because it is.” This usually shuts them up, but not always.

I remember having a long conversation with my youngest cousin, who is about twelve years younger then me, when he was about four. After asking a question that went something along the lines of “Why have I got a bone that sticks out a bit at the bottom of my back?” and then prompted by an endlessly recurring series of “Why?’s” as I talked, we went through the ins and outs of evolution and the fact that it was a sort of vestigial tail at which point he burst into tears thinking that his recently deceased Granma was actually a monkey.

Never try and explain evolution to anyone under five. It gave my aunt a good laugh though…