Blue Comes Through

Chapter Twenty Three

I feel sick. A million thoughts are racing through my mind it's crowded and confused. One though is shouting the loudest however, pushing itself to the front and filling my head.

Finn is married.

I am actually going to be sick and manage to make it to the downstairs cloakroom. Even when I've lost the contents of my stomach, I still hang over the bowl, horrible dry heaves racking my body. I can feel tears on my cheeks and I although feel hot, a cold perspiration has also broken out over my skin, which is making me shiver and my teeth chatter.

The sense of betrayal is enormous. I can't equate the affectionate, caring man with someone who would do this to me and the woman he married. A thousand snapshots flow through my head like a silent movie, replaying the moments since we met; grappling over knickers, Albert and Elsie, tea in a teapot, our first kiss, thousands here at the Lodge, Will and the shower and always Finn laughing, Finn smiling. How?

How many people are in on it? Sam, Josh, Cheryl, Meg? Oh God, Carey? They've all been encouraging. They can't know.

When I'm confident my shaking legs will support me, I flush the toilet and move to the sink, turning on the cold tap and patting my face with water. I bite my lip to stop my teeth chattering and look in the mirror. I'm so pale. The shock has bleached every bit of colour from my face, even from my lips. My eyes look too big and they're dark almost opaque. How many times have I looked at myself in a mirror after a beating? Does this feel worse?

I find wipes and bathroom spray in the cupboard beneath the basin and go back to clean the toilet. The smell of bleach makes me nauseous again. I grit my teeth and complete the task.

I can't stay here. Will is sleeping though. I go back to reception and scribble a note for Finn, my hands shaking so much, the words are barely legible. Cheryl appears from upstairs, her arms full of bedding.

She smiles and then as she sees my face, her own clouds with concern.

"Maddie? What on earth's the matter?" I shake my head, I can't speak; my throat is a hard knot of tears. I glance towards the note and she picks it up, swearing softly.

She dumps the laundry on a chair and takes my arm. "Come on. Come with me, Maddie." She takes me in to the breakfast room and pushes me into a chair. "Just sit for a second." I hear her on the phone as she rummages through the cupboards and comes back with a small glass with a dark liquid. My stomach heaves and I try to push it away.

"It's port and brandy. Just have a sip. It's good for shock." Faced with another of Cheryl's medicinal remedies, I do as I'm told, grimacing at the taste. It burns my throat and settles in the pit of my stomach. The nausea does fade though, replaced by fiery warmth.

"I need to go Cheryl. I can't stay here. I can't see him, Cheryl, not like this." I hide my face in my hands. "Oh God. I don't know what to do."

She sits down beside me and pats my arm. "Just wait for him Maddie; it's not what it seems,"

"Don't tell me. His wife doesn't understand him," I say bitterly and I'm surprised when Cheryl smiles.

"Maddie, do you think, I'd be defending him if it was just that? I love Finn, but if he was just an adulterous shit, I would be telling you to stay away from him. It's not that."

"What can it possibly be then?" I rack my brain for some defendable acceptable scenario. I have nothing.

"It's not my story to tell, Maddie. Just let him explain."

I sip some more of the lethal liquid and I feel the chill leaving my bones. It's comforting. It is lethal though. If I sip too much I'll be comatose. I can't sit here and just wait. I need some air.