Unhinged

Unspeakable

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alex leave the room.

Why was he leaving me? Everyone leaves me. They just use me and leave. But I didn't think Alex would do that. Why would he do that?

And then I was alone once more...

Alex glided through the door, closing it silently behind him and sat on the bed beside me.

Never mind, he wouldn't leave me. He would never leave me. Why would you even think that Scott?

"Scotty? Honey, I just told the others to go up without us. If you feel up to it, at any time, we can go up and meet them. If not, we can stay here or go to your place or anywhere. But please, let me in, tell me how you feel."

Every inch of my body and mind was screaming for dear life, not to say a word; "You've gotten good at keeping this secret to yourself, lets not fuck up the one thing you're actually decent at doing." My subconscious taunted me, knowing my weaknesses and preying vicisously on them, giving it all they had.

But I had to talk.

"I, I don't want you to freak Alex, it's really not a big deal. I'm fine, I guess I'm just over reacting." My voice stuttered as the pain and realisation that I was finally allowing someone else to feel a portion of my suffering sunk in. "I think I just want to tell you a little bit. I don't know if I'm going to be able to say everything right now." I wasn't only not capable of spilling my guts right now, but I kind of wanted to go back to pretending like nothing had happened and like I hardly exist. I was good at that.

"It's okay, take your time." Alex's tone was cool and relaxing, giving me a sense of hope that everything can once again be okay.

"I just wish you could see into my mind so I wouldn't have to say it out loud. Once I say it, then it really happened, and once I know in my heart that it really happened, then I will break down and completely lose it and I can't completely lose it now I've got too much to worry about and I don't want to lose you when I become too much of a hassle to deal with and..."

"Hey Scott no do not even think that for a second" Alex cut me off as my tone became increasingly faster and higher in pitch; he could see the panic welling up inside of me and knew only too well that giving into my panic attack would be one of the worst things I could do right now.

"Okay listen to my voice Scott. Remember what I said last time this happened; 'focus on your surroundings, get in touch with all of your senses. Look around, what are 3 things you can touch, 3 things you can see, 3 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell.' "

And slowly but surely, the more I focused my concentration onto the small things I could control, the panic began to subside. I could feel my body relaxing, my muscles being significantly more tired than they were before, my eyelids feeling heavier, my arms falling to my sides and my breaths returning, deeper, not so shallow. My chest seemed to gradually loosen and everything seemed to be getting better. I took a deep breath in, allowing my lungs to completely fill with oxygen, appreciation for this man filling me up.

"Just breathe, and only tell me what you're comfortable with telling me. I will not pressure you to tell me more and I will never think of you like a 'hassle', or someone that I have to 'put up with'. I love you Scott, you know I do, and that won't go away the minute you tell me whatever is on your mind."

Alex could not of said it better, and for the first time in years, I felt like I could truely tell him what has been burning inside of me. I knew I could tell him, and I wanted to, I could just feel that this was the hardest thing I had ever done.

"Okay. Um.." automatically I began to fidget with my hands and look down around the room, desperately clinging onto any sense of normality I could. "So that boy, his...his name was Charles. You only met him a couple times and it was brief, so I don't blame you for not really remembering much. I wish I could forget him just as easily as everyone else can. I still can't decide if he is a good person or not." My words began to spill out of my mouth. My story not entirely making sense, but just enough for Alex to understand the basics" "As you know Alex, I'm the type of person to try and forgive people for what they have done, and rather than having conflict, I prefer to move on. But I haven't been able to move on from Charles. I don't like him anymore, I can never like him again, but apart of me still wants to forgive him and I don't know what to do"

Alex's face was full of concern and his hand rested gently on my knee, comforting me in the only way he could. His head tilted to the side ever so slightly, giving me his undivided attention, not wanting to interrupt.

"Charles was a little bit older than me, by a couple of years, so he had his license and would always come around to my house, my parents weren't ever home when he came around so they had no idea what was going on. Everything was good at first, he wanted to keep us a secret though. I ended up telling you Alex because I trust you, and I wanted you to know. I was excited. He was my first real boyfriend." My voice trailed off for a seconds, but I quickly regained myself. "But because he was older, he wanted more from me. I wasn't ready though, and he respected that." Alex's face, which had tensed during this conversation, relaxed and he released a breathe I hadn't realised he was holding. "At first anyway..." My eyes met Alex's, and what was before compassion and curiosity, was now replaced with anger, and a side of him I hadn't seen before.

"Scott, what did he do?" Alex said slowly, gritting his teeth, a vein popping out of his temple. "If he hurt you.."

I stood up, immediately on edge and scared, backing away "I don't want you to do anything Alex, it's over. I don't want to see him, I don't want to hear off him and I'm only telling you because I'm scared, I'm scared he is going to come back. Every time I see a stupid silver Subaru Liberty, panic literally takes over me and I can't function! I sped all the way home last week because I saw that car, and apart of me thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be back, and he can't be back Alex! He just can't! I don't know why I am so deathly afraid of him, but I am. I know I sound absolutely ridiculous and off my fucking face but I cannot function properly anymore. I hide away at school, I quit my job, I rarely leave the house and the only reason I am going on this vacation is because it's so far away, and maybe I can drink so much vodka that I'll forget about everything, I'll meet a cute boy and we'll fuck the pain away! But no! That would never happen because as soon as it came down to unzipping the pants my mind will zoom back to fucking Charles and I'll run away, like always!"

By this point I had screamed so much I had given myself a splitting headache and my limbs were trembling uncontrollably. My body ached and I fell into the corner, back flush up against the wall, sobbing.

Alex's POV
Never, not once in the decade I had known Scott, had I ever seen him like this. His knees cradling his head, with his hands pressing hard against the back of his neck. His whole body was shaking, and the sobs wracked his body, taking away all the energy that had once resided in him. I could tell that this was killing him, he wanted desperately to tell someone, to get help, but he was also the most scared I had ever seen him. Not only scared of Charles, but himself. This was not the Scott I knew, and I wanted to do everything I could to get him back to the fun and happy boy he used to be.

I walked over and crouched down beside him. "I know that saying 'everything will be okay' won't help you right now, but you have to remember that it will be. As cliché as it sounds, it's true. Once you've overcome this, everything will go back to how it was before Charles."

"I want to forget him so badly" Scotts body shook with the force of saying those few words, each accompanied with a sniffle. "You have no idea how hard it has been keeping this to myself Alex. I've been wanting to tell you, but I don't know how. I don't want you to flip out, that's the last thing I need."

I could tell how concerned he was with this, and immediately I regretting feeling angry. This poor boy was just trying to move on with his life and he needed me to be strong for him. "I'm sorry for getting angry Scott. It won't happen again. If you want to keep telling me what happened, I am willing to listen, but if not I understand."

Scott's eyes, puffy and red, slowly met mine. His eyes full of tears slowly dribbling down his pale face. Hands shaking and knees trembling, Scott tried to find the right words. It took a minute before Scott said anything, and I wished he hadn't.

"Since when did the word 'no' lose all of his meaning?"

Hey guys, I know this took 2 million years to be written and I apologise for that. So much has been going on but I'll keep writing and posting on literally my 6 fan accounts (5 Instagram and 1 twitter) as much as I can. Do I have an obsession? Nah I'm fine 🤷🏻‍♀️ please remember to vote and share this! Love you❤️