I had just got done with my lunch. Lunch isn't anything special. It is standard - roti, a cooked vegetable, daal and rice. I like the standard and anything other than that form of lunch for a continuous amount of time leaves me feeling like something is missing.
The special part about today's lunch was that I had made the rotis myself for the entire house, the first time. The first one was all that a roti should not be, crispy, shapeless and filled with black spots. It's okay, I told myself. My sister Disha sat inside the kitchen, paying more attention to me than her book (and that happens super rarely) because my messing up amused her. The next few were round enough but they were still crispy. I was putting way too much ghee as well and the rotis were getting burnt. Thankfully, I got much better towards the end and it wasn't as much of a disaster Disha made it seem to be at the dining table.
So I had just got done with lunch, like I mentioned earlier when I saw Disha with a dictionary. Have you ever seen anyone use a dictionary voluntarily? Because I haven't, and the only time I have is when I wanted to know what the four-letter word that rhymes with duck means. Which, for your information I didn't find out properly till tenth grade anyway, but still, I did try. And naturally, I assumed she was doing the same.
"What are you doing Deesh?" I asked her.
"Nothing." she replied, trying to be casual.
"Which word are you looking for?" I further prodded. And of course, she had no answer.
I proceeded to nicely tell her the word and the meaning and asked her to not google it, at least not yet. She was in the fifth grade and in my belief, too young to know about these kind of things.
Okay it wasn't me nicely telling her. I made up an entire story of how storks fly and send babies in like you used to see in books. And on eating a special banana, the seeds inside the banana plant the kid in your stomach. And of course, she didn't understand the dual meaning, but I have a video of it somewhere which will definitely come handy on her eighteenth birthday. Later, when I did tell her the real story, she was highly disgusted.
"I am not going to get married only. Yuck, how to people do that? Don't they feel yucky and weird? It's so disgusting." Cue lots of faces and scrunched up noses from her.
I told her that it was disgusting to her now but she'd probably end up enjoying it later for all we knew.
It took me four years after tenth grade, a boyfriend who got extremely frustrated explaining stuff to me, and my reading a lot of things online on the same topic to get even comfortable with the idea of sex. My feelings towards anything physical also highly affected my relationship with him. And while there is no need to get physical with anyone at any point, it took me ages to come to the conclusion that what I do with whomever I want is my choice and mine only.
But even more importantly, I thought it was disgusting, just like my younger sister. I couldn't understand that it was something natural because in my culture, I've always been told it is wrong. I've not even consciously understood any sexual changes in my body because I was told it shouldn't be done. Kissing and hugging in even platonic ways was never done at home. I guess this becomes more of a cultural issue. In fact, I can imagine people asking people how to kiss, even on the cheek, if they have never received one before. I can imagine the person being asked, slowly parting their lips, taking the skin on the wrist in between them, lightly putting some pressure on it and releasing the lips.
Forget loving someone else, I couldn't, and still can't bring myself to love myself - physically, not emotionally. Emotionally I can give everyone the love they want. Anything related to those two parts feels weird. Is it okay to give pleasure to yourself? And if it isn't, why not? What is wrong in a few moments of ecstasy? I'm still analysing both sides and coming to a conclusion.
It sucks how people can't be comfortable in their birthday suit. And what sucks more than the discomfort are the reasons behind it.
So I'm telling you just like I told my sister, don't be afraid. If you're afraid, don't do it.
If you don't want to, don't do it. Just ask yourself why you don't want to. If you want to, do it. But ask yourself why once again.
All this thinking, my relationship, and asking myself why to everything I felt about anything even remotely involving something not normal to me is what led to realisation #3. Nude really is just natural.
