You get hopes up, and everyone thinks that you are the nice guy, and you are. But you never tell people when you are letting them down. You cover it up. Until they find out. Because you don't want to ruin your reputation.
You are very naive. Your opinions are biased. You fail to see the entire picture. You judge very quickly, believe very quickly, and act very quickly. Sometimes not acting at all becomes an act. I do not like how you cannot see things rationally and from both points of view.
You either care too much or begin spinning around in the area of not giving a fuck, or so you portray. You do not say what you want. You do not express how you feel. You take things for how they are. You accept very easily without putting up a fight.
People may think you're selfish sometimes. You do what you want, when you want, how you want, what feels like without full regard for everyone's feelings. You have really strong boundaries, which is great and something I respect you for, but I wish you were more considerate at times. And sometimes there is much pride you have in you, or is it insecurity in disguise?
The one who cannot for his life state an opinion that is completely original because he does not have any. The person who'll say stuff without thinking and meaning, without realising the potential damage being caused, and leaving others to clean up his mess without even knowing they are cleaning the mess for him.
You cannot accept things when they do not go your way. You do whatever it takes to get things done your way. And when it doesn't work, you throw a pity party for yourself, expect others to understand you and be on your side, and put the blame on the rest except the person it actually belongs to. You can be manipulative.
You are the guy that is Sharma Ji's son. And when dear Rahul would be doing better at something, you'd let go of your morals at a moment no one realises and do what it takes to remain Sharma Ji's son. Your whole world worships you, and even outer space.
Dear Reverie,
These are excellent character sketches. But why are you twisting your characters so much?
Because Rev, this is how real human beings are! There is good, bad and the ugly.
The most difficult part for me is to be accepting all of these kind of things about people. To be able to see that people can be so complex, and view every side of them, yet have my heart full of love for all of them. It's a process, and takes time and constant effort to tune yourself to think that way. And in your relationships with people, it is necessary to do that. As the bond gets stronger, you need to begin accepting them.
Accept everyone for who they are, and do not expect them to accept you. I guess "accept you" aren't the right words. I guess I mean "understand you". It's really hard to find people who understand you. People who understand the crookedness, of how your brain works, and of the reasons behind why it works that way. Maybe that's because trying to understand someone requires a lot of effort. It requires thinking up an exhaustive list of options and tediously eliminating all of them until you reach one that perfectly matches the person in front of you.
In computer science, we have something called neural networks. Each network is basically a set of nodes. You have input, and you get some output based on certain weights that determine how important that node is for the output. There are "activation functions" which trigger certain things, given certain inputs, and lead to certain outputs. I find it funny that I'm using neural networks to explain how we imagine the brain works, because neural networks were inspired from the working of the brain in the first place. Understanding someone requires understanding the weights they associate. It involves backtracking when you make an error, and modifying those weights so that you don't mess it up again. You learn the things that trigger them. And you never reach a 100% accuracy of predicting their thoughts, but you reach a good solid 90%. This entire process? A hell lot of work. Too complicated for certain people, pointless for some, tedious for others.
That's why expecting others to understand you or accept you for who you are may not be the wisest thing to do. Human beings strive to be happy, and do whatever it takes to make themselves feel that way as often as they can. They really don't want to spend their lives being mad at their own people.
Everyone is going to have good, bad, and the ugly in them. Appreciate the good. Let go of the bad. And accept the ugly.
You'll feel so much lighter and happier.
