I didn't mean to
Feel something for someone I hoped I didn't anymore
Already feeling guilty
Even though you don't exist yet
I mean you do
Except that is in a world I don't know of
Which means you don't
I hope
All this love
And feels
Transfer from him to you
I know they will
I just don't know when
Tell me when
You decide to come into my life
And prove me right
And make me feel unafraid
Safe and secure
Lessen the emotional connection
To increase it here
Tip my scales
Make me feel
Like I have not felt before
Share what I want for myself
Let me support you in what you want
And build a vision together.
The feelings never transferred. They came. I loved.
Agastya and I were playing table tennis. And I kept losing. Every single time. Sometimes we even tied, yet I would lose the last point. We played again, many years later, and I am so sure he let me win, even though he said he didn't. I left feeling bittersweet about that win. Still do.
I am overjoyed when I go hiking. Opens up my eyes, and reaches my heart. I love tiring myself, feeling all the muscles in my body, and watching nature take over my brain. Each moment spent in nature feels magical and like a mystery. And I want to both keep watching, and also shut my eyes and take it in. Breathe fresh air. Remember that sunset, and how the water felt on my skin. Remember the purple, and pink, mixed with the orange and yellow sun.
I felt amazing one moment, and terrible the next. My hands were shaking, and I realised so was my entire body. The only thing that could calm me down was the sound of him playing the piano, the feeling of him enveloping my body. The pressure from the blanket. Yet my thoughts ran wild. I could not stop shaking, and I felt relief, anxious, scared, safe, loved, hated - all at once.
What do you do when you are so confused? When you feel so much?
Deesh was sleeping right next to me. I was left alone with my thoughts, as I am, every single night. The only other time this happens is when I am on a flight. And I find myself shaking again. I cannot sleep. I cannot stop thinking. I have no piano man. I have no hug. I have my sister who is fast asleep, right next to me, but I am too timid and egoistic to wake her up. And ask her to sing. Or to embrace me.
I remember sitting in the car, cross legged, the best music playing singing at the top of our voices, as we drove on the road that stopped having traffic once people had reached home from office. I remember the random hot chocolates and chai. I remember how I will never feel that free or happy with him again. I will never go on a non-occasion 8pm drive to just talk about nothing with him again. And I feel empty.
I think of Ahilya and her terrace and it reminds me of seeing stars in a city that is always lit. I feel guilty about how my memory is great, yet I always forget the floor that she lives on. I think of her easy smile, and joy of living, and wonder whether her life's simplicity will be the cause of her feeling that life is complicated in the future.
Aarsh doing the exact thing that he complains to me about makes me feel frustrated. And his lack of communication of what he thinks makes it worse. Or maybe my need to know what people think of me is the main problem. And now I feel confused and tired.
I feel unprepared for tomorrow.
I feel like I wasted today.
I feel useless.
I feel capable.
I feel loved and grateful and angry and disappointed and upset and scared and reckless and tired and surprised and excited all at the same time.
I loved.
And loved again. Until I could not.
I wish I was not alive
To see the day my dad thought his family was breaking
To hear my mother cry and shout and
Both of them feel helpless, in pain, and unhappy
I wish I died
Before I broke the heart
Of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with
Before I made him lose faith and trust in the good in the world
But I am alive
Wishing I was dead
Wishing something happened
I think I need help
Or I need rest
I am sad
I am hurt
I am tired
I am doneI want to be happy
About all the good in life
And not create problems that cannot be solved
And I'm trying to tell myself
That my dying makes no one happier
But why does that feel easier
Someone help me before I lose my mind.
Sometimes only you can help yourself. You need to give yourself time to help yourself.
Such a weird feeling
To not have weekend plans with you
We are both busy
I stayed up all night again
With my friends and laughed and felt spontaneous
Had tea and coffee and played games
And found out that there are other people
Who are up for doing similar things
Only if I try.
I have to try.
Temporary. Everything is temporary. The calm you feel on top of a mountain or under a waterfall, the heartbreak, the depression, the stress. It really is all temporary. So whatever the feeling is, good or bad, just stay with it. Sleep with it. Give a hug to your sister, or mother, or friend. Lean on. Things will become okay, no matter how impossible it seems. And if not okay, they will get better. Us human beings are magical creatures. We are resilient. We can learn. We can improve. We can think. Our existence is a miracle. Which means your existence is a miracle. Even though it may feel like the exact opposite.
You can be with a feeling alone in a warm shower which will make you feel better. Or you can sit with a feeling along with a friend at a coffee shop. You can also just sit in your armchair and do nothing, really.
I hope you are only alone and never lonely,
I hope the good times stay longer than the bad ones,
I hope you can feel deeply and truly.
I hope.
I love.
