The Absurdity of Fairy Tales

eleven

trigger warnings: depression, eating disorders, etc. please take care of yourselves.

..

Je suis désolée, maman et papa;

Je vous ai tué, n'ai-fait je?

Je vous adore, je promets; mais

J'habite dans un monde toxique

Et tout ce que je touche

Brûle.

..

Nick makes the soccer team as center forward, as I knew he would—he's really good. I mean, I have the athletic abilities of a turtle, but even I can tell that Nick is talented.

When I don't feel like being alone, I stick around after school to watch his practices. Luckily, the other guys don't mind me hanging around so long as I don't interrupt; they accepted that Nick and I are somewhat of a package deal a long time ago. But as the days go on, I end up staying after school more and more because when I'm at home, Nan watches me like a hawk. She knows something's up, and I can't let her worry about me. Not again. And it's not just her; the rest of my friends are worried, too. I can see them sneaking worried glances at me when they don't think I'm looking, and hear it in their voice when they say hi. But I don't say anything.

My nightmares are getting worse. I can't fall asleep until I'm too exhausted to do anything else, and even then, the eighteen-wheeler always finds me. I don't know what's changed this time, this anniversary, but I'm breaking. I'm trying to hang on to that goddamn edge but my fingers are slipping. Soon, I'm going to fall. I know it. Nick knows it. Nan knows it. My friends know it. Everyone knows it.

But I can't let them worry. I have to accept responsibility for my actions, because in the end, it was my fault they died.

Huh. You proud of me, Sartre? Because right now, all I feel is nauseous.

..

I'm in the middle of Math homework after school Wednesday when I look up and catch Nick mid-laugh. Even from the bleachers, I can see the brightness of his smile, the carefree innocence around the edges, and it makes my chest hurt.

As I watch, Nick reaches out and takes the ball from one of his teammates, backing up the pitch. Shrugging, the goalie steps away from the net, and Nick, brow furrowed in concentration, backs up a step and kicks the ball straight into the net.

Nick's face lights up as the ball hits the back of the net, and his teammates surround him, whooping loudly. He turns in my direction and smiles at me, blindingly beautiful. I smile back, but the happiness in his face makes my stomach twist.

When I get home, my Nan takes one look at me and asks what's wrong. I tell her I'm just feeling a bit sick. In my mind, I silently add of life.

..

I agree when Nick invites me over on Friday night. Hanging out with him is the lesser of two evils: staying home makes my Nan worried about me, but hanging out with Nick makes Nick worried. I guess I can deal with hurting Nick more than I can with hurting Nan, who I've already hurt too much. But the deathly silence here is enough to make me wish I'd stayed home. Lexi is at a friend's for the night and Mr. and Mrs. Rigas left to visit Marina's mom in Lancaster about an hour ago; without them, the house seems so empty.