The Balcony

Detectives

The realisation that someone unknown had taken advantage of me last night had haunted me all day. I frantically searched the halls for a clue, asking acquaintances from my classes if they saw me with anyone. The answer was always 'no' or 'I didn't even know you were there'. Sad, I know. Avis offered to help me figure out who had kissed me that night, the only clue we had was the rugged, musty deodorant that the person had been wearing.

We decided not to tell Marianne; she wouldn't have understood how uncomfortable I felt and disregarded it as drunken fun. But to me, I felt like I had been taken advantage of. My skin crawled at the thought of it. The whole day was a struggle, I felt disgusted whenever somebody made eye contact with me for too long or brushed past me in the halls. Everyone at that campus was a suspect, and I needed to find out who my criminal was.

I didn't fancy going outside onto the balcony that night, I needed another shower to scrub away the memories. However, as soon as I turned away from the sliding door, my phone lit up with a message from Elliot.
"Get your butt out here." It read. I smiled slightly, but was struck with a pang of nausea for some reason. It had been happening at irregular intervals throughout the day whenever I thought of the party.
Nevertheless, I dragged myself outside. Elliot was sat, feet dangling from his balcony just as usual. But everything felt different and unsettled.
"Hey." He smiled, his eyes brightening as I walked outside.
"Hey." I returned, shortly.
"You okay? Something occupying your head?" He asked, trying to catch my eyes. I didn't feel like making eye contact.
"I'm okay." I lied.
"Oh really?" He smirked, giving up on catching my glance and staring into the skyline instead.
"No." I replied with a sigh.
"What's up? Come sit." He said, just like a councillor. I obeyed his suggestion. I suppose it was more of a command really.

I sat and avoided his eyes once again. I didn't feel like falling for Elliot tonight. I just wanted to be alone, but I didn't have the heart to tell him to leave. In addition, I was too scared to be by myself.
"So, spill." He commanded once again.
"It's stupid. But I guess it's big to me." I sighed again.
"It can't be stupid if it's bothering you this much." Elliot smiled awkwardly.
"Well yeah. But, you can't tell anyone."

I made him promise. Elliot told me he would have pinky promised me if he could have reached, so I took his word for it. A pinky promise was as solid as a blood oath in my mind. I proceeded to tell him the story about how I became drunk very quickly. How I woke up surrounded by vomit and I was kissed by a stranger. He knew that I was unsure of how far the encounter was taken.
"Wow. Are you okay?" Elliot asked, his eyes wide.
I laughed slightly, "not really."
But as soon as my sentence ended, my tears began. The lump in my throats turned to the filling of my eyes. I willed myself to keep the droplets inside my eyelids, but it was too late.
After a few tears had spilled from my eyes Elliot noticed and became rigid. I wasn't sure if he was uncomfortable or fearful or another emotion. He was just stiff. A few seconds passed before either of us said anything. I broke the silence.
"I think he might've-" I tried to finished the sentence, but that five letter word was too hard to utter. You only ever heard it in news stories and dramas on Tv of sick men who hurt poor women. It was a nightmare; one of those horrible things that you think 'that would never happen to me'.

Would I ever know if I was raped?

The tears shed even fuller and more frequently than before as I fully explored my deepest fears as a reality. All of a sudden, Elliot began to move. He rose to his feet, standing dangerously on the edge of his metal balcony. I daren't look at him. I was ashamed of myself for being so stupid and vulnerable.
In a single moment, Elliot went from standing to taking to the air. All I could do was stare as he leaped from one balcony to the other, disregarding the 9 floor drop below his flailing legs. He landed at the edge of the wall and tumbled into the chairs and neatly placed potted plant.

"Jesus Christ!" I blasphemed. If my mum was here, she would have flicked my ear for uttering such a disrespectful phrase.
Elliot looked up at me from the ground and smiled in that cheeky, lopsided way I had grown to love. I relied on that smile to get me through the days. I offered him my hand, but then took it away. Up until this point I had never felt Elliot's skin; we had never actually had contact with one another. It felt wrong at this point.
"I don't have leprecy." He raised his eyebrows at me and pulled himself up. I smiled awkwardly.

The tears had stopped flowing, but the pain was relentless and determined to break me. Elliot could see this, I thought. He looked at me with a similar pain as the one I was experiencing. As he walked towards me, I had a sudden realisation.

"You were at that party." I whispered.
"Yeah." He sighed, walking closer to me. My heart was beating faster than it had when I nearly fell to my death a few days ago.
I smelt a familiar and sickening scent. It was musty and rugged, just liked Avis. Just like the person who took advantage of me. Just like Elliot.
"You..." I uttered, but the words couldn't leave my mouth.
"Before you say anything, Billie. Just listen to me." He begged, reaching out for my hand, but I moved away.
"What did you do to me?" I yelled. Tears rolled down my pale cheeks and dripped on to the ground.
"Nothing! Billie nothing happened!" He exclaimed.
"That body spray you have on, I remember from that night." I hissed.
Elliot broke down in tears, covering his face with his bony hands. Surely this was proof, he had hurt me that night. The one person I trusted so naively had betrayed me in such a disgusting way, I felt I could never trust again.

"No, you have it all wrong! You were with a guy from my Psychology class all night. He told me he 'wanted' you and I saw nothing of it. Everyone thinks you're pretty! Next thing I knew you were locked in the toilet with him. I thought you wanted it too. It's a popular body spray, I swear to you." He fumbled with his words as he spoke, but I understood everything. It was truly hard to comprehend, but I wanted to believe Elliot.

I slumped onto the ground against the brick wall. It was cool against my skin, but I felt numb anyway. Elliot fell next to me. We stayed in silence for what felt like hours. Neither of us knew what to say or when to leave. He placed his hand on mine and I jumped and began to pull it away. But I needed human contact, however small and pathetic it seemed. I needed to be touched in a way that was consenting and innocent. I linked my fingers between his uneasily and continued to stare into the dark sky. His breathing was rapid and terrified, but mine was slow and defeated.

"I wouldn't hurt you." He whispered, still staring forward. I couldn't think of a reply.
"I'm sorry I didn't protect you." He sighed, choking on his words slightly.
"It's not your job." I replied, blankly.
"But it is. I care about you Billie." He promised. I could hear him fighting away the tears. Perhaps he felt responsible; if he had stepped in, we wouldn't be where we were right now. But again, it wasn't his job to protect me.
"It's August." I said calmly, breaking my eyes from the sky and looking at him. He turned and looked at me, tears pouring from his eyes.
"What do you mean?" He sniffed.
"August Wilson." I smiled. But my eyes held so much sadness, that it couldn't even be described as a smile. His eyes lit up suddenly, grasping what I was saying.
"Oliver Ropes." He put his other hand which was not pre occupied out to shake. I took it and gave it a weak shake.

He smiled and so did I. A great deal of tiredness took over me and I rested my head on his shoulder. I could tell he was looking down at me. For the first time in a long time, I felt protected. And all I could do was accept it.

[HI SORRY I JUST HAD TO PUT A NOTE. I CHANGED HIS NAME SO MANY TIMES, AND I FORGOT TO CHANGE IT AT THE START! SO SORRY IF THAT WAS CONFUSING]