The Sun-Blinded Life

Twelve Seconds of a Deep Breath

Today was writing day. It's this thing were once a month we focus on the ideas we had for a song and try to write come one. At the moment we all split into two groups in two different hotel rooms, me and my brother and the other three together. So far though nothing was coming up for me to write even with the topics we all had previously come up together with. I've just been doodling and writing what's been coming out of mind, which at this point is just gibberish.

"Brother, please tell me you got something. My brain is literally fried at the moment, though I did draw this sick picture of a cat riding a unicycle." I say showing him my doodle. He laughs before answering, "Well that looks great and I kind of got something though it's only because I've been thinking about some thing not related to this." He gives me a serious look and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"There's someone who has contacted me saying they want to meet up and talk during the week we have off. I don't know if to accept the invitation or not?" I sit there listening before I thought of something to reply to him. "I mean it's up to you. Do you want to accept it?" "I'm debating because the thing is, this person doesn't just want to see me, they want to see you too." When he says that I give him a look.

"What do you mean by that? They want to have a meeting with the both of us? I thought we were going to visit Felix and dad? Who is this person and don't sugarcoat it just tell me who is it, Lincoln please." I say in a serious tone which cause him to sit up and take a deep breath. "It's mom. She wants to talk with us and reconnect." I look at him shock before standing up and getting angry.

"That woman wants to meet up with us? Why, does she need money or something? What the hell gives her right to want to speak to us after not being in our lives for twenty years?" I say as I start pacing. "Aileen I need you to calm down, see this is why I wasn't going to tell because you were going to get like this," he says and I look at him before slamming my hand on the table.

"Well what did you expect, I was going to jump for joy and get excited over wanting to meet her. News flash, that woman walked out on me just a few months after being born. Not only that, she walked out on you, her two year old son that she adored, and our dad, the man she loved." I say as some words come out sarcastically. He sigh before closing his notebook and standing up, "Aileen she is our birth mother and she wants to talk to us. Maybe she's going to tell us why she decided to leave all those years ago."

I let out a laugh, "Ha my mother, that woman is not my mother. The only thing she is to me is the incubator that kept me warm until I was ready to be born, that it. Hell, I don't need an explanation as to why she left because I know." "Oh really you know, enlighten me then since your brother here doesn't now," Lincoln says loudly that I'm sure the others in the other room can here us.

"She left because clearly, she was being held back. I imagine the life of being a mother wasn't to her liking and she did the only stupid thing that came to her head, run away, instead of womanning up and being a mom. Get this thru you head because I'm only telling you this once and only once. Lincoln, I'm never and I mean never ever going to talk to that woman in my life. She became dead to me from the moment I learned that she left us. The only mother I had and will ever have is our late step-mom Karen, because she made dad really happy and made us feel like family even if it was for a short time. So you can go ahead and see her if you want but I'm not joining you. I'll rather stay here and spend my break doing something else." I say angrily before grabbing my stuff and walking out of the room.

I close the door and notice the other three looking at me before pretending to look occupied as if they weren't listening to the screaming match that just happened. I shake my head and walk out, trying to calm down and not break anything from how furious I was. I manage to to end up in the pool area and sit on an empty lounge chair, watching people enjoying themselves.

I catch myself looking at the families and I get angry at seeing their happy faces, but deep inside I know it wasn't directed at them but at her. Anytime I thought about my birth mother, I would lose control from how angry I would get thinking about what she did. I remember reading the letter she had left, saying how sorry she was and how she promised she would return. My dad showed it to us after telling us the story of why we didn't have a mom.

Selfish, was the first word I thought about after learning everything. I just couldn't believe how selfish someone could be when it came to thinking about themselves but here was the proof in my face. I remembered how much I use to always wish for her to come back when it was my birthday when I was younger, but it was always sad because the next day I knew she wouldn't come.

As I sat here thinking about that memory and looking everyone, a light bulb turned on in my head and I had an idea for a song. I took out my notebook and begin writing things what I had in my head. After sometime of finding what words to use, I came up with this:

"It's been so long since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer, wishing you were there
I'm still waiting"

I repeated what I assume was going to be a verse and knew I had something good here. I continued writing more and felt like this song was going to be something the guys were going to like. Speaking of the guys, I checked my phone and saw I had a ton of messages from all four of them, along with Dave, asking where I was.

I gathered my stuff and gave Alex a call letting them know I was on my way back and I had an idea for a new song. I also was going to tell my brother, after asking the boys if it was okay to join them on their sightseeing trip, that he would be going back to States with Alex by himself if he goes and meet her.