school shooter // phan

tuesday, may 14, 2016, 4:03 A.M.

dan

today, i woke up wanting to die.

it's not a bizarre thing, really. it's pretty typical, if we're being honest. i'm not trying to be relatable. i'm not joking around about it because i feel tired, or minorly inconvenienced because of some test happening today. i want to actually die.

but today, it seemed like a more intense feeling than normal.

nonetheless, i knew that wasn't an option today. i have school, and honestly, i want to be able to graduate and leave this place before dying. it seems like a nice goal to set up for myself, though as difficult as it may seem.

i rolled myself out of bed, rubbing my eyes as i yawned. my fatigue fought with my wanting of death, and i couldn't really decide which was worse or which felt stronger. my eyes kept trying to close again, and i had to repeatedly force them back open as i wiped the crust from the edges of my eyes. sighing, i glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table, showing the time in bright red digits: 4:03 AM.

why in god's name am i up this early? i couldn't come up with the answer to that question as my fatigue pushed my body back in bed and under my covers.

yet, somehow, my brain was buzzing with the idea of dying, even with how tired i was. it seemed with me specifically, there was nothing that could ever stop my constant feeling of wanting to kill myself. not sleepiness, not sickness, not pain, not worry, not even happiness: it was always there. and today, it was intensely prominent in showing itself.

due to the activeness of my brain, my body wouldn't go back to sleep. i groaned as i made that realization, turning and burying my face in my pillow.

i see a therapist, mr. bryan, once a week on wednesdays for not only these feelings, but as well as my depression and my sometimes-is-there-but-is-mostly-okay anxiety. mr. bryan told me that when i have these feelings, instead of pushing it away and letting it build up, i should reflect on the reasons and events that make me feel that way. i remember sitting in his office and him saying something along the lines of that treatment helping me "come to closure with the misfortunate happenings in my lifetime," or something like that. it's also to help me have some sort of reason, some sort of explanation behind these thoughts, and mr. bryan said it would "really help him out" at my therapy sessions when trying to talk things out.

so, rolling onto my back once again and staring at my ceiling, i decided to try out mr. bryan's theory on my treatment, and reflect on the "misfortunate happenings" that made my every thought be induced with the thought of death.

my mind was all of a sudden very voluntary on helping me come up with something upsetting in my life, and it was pretty quick too. i can't really decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it was really when everything started i suppose: when i felt comfortable enough in primary school to come out as gay to my english class.

now, i knew there would be some people who wouldn't accept it, or just refuse to. i'm not stupid, that's just how society is and was. everyone has their own opinion, and most can be hell-bent on proving theirs right to everybody, and them all believing the same thing. it's upsetting, really.

my parents had already known at that point, i decided to tell them a few months earlier. my dad was a little disappointed, you could tell, but luckily, he really didn't care too much. my mom supported it. she even told me she would rather me be straight and have a wife and have biological children as a husband and wife, but she was accepting of it if that wasn't the way i wanted to go. i knew then and even now just how lucky i was and am to have supportive parents. so, that morning, i remember telling my mom about what i planned to do that day. i couldn't tell my dad, as he had already left for work.