school shooter // phan

please read with understanding <3

i hope you are all healthy and well reading this. for a summary of this, see the bolded text in the next paragraph. but an explanation follows if you'd like to read it.

it has been literal years since i have even wrote on this story. i was a middle-schooler when i was trying to start this, and the last time i wrote for this it was when i was a freshman going into my sophomore year. my point is, i was younger and not as mature mentally. i am now a senior, and after many events and thoughts, i'm coming to a conclusion: i feel it is not morally right to continue this story in the direction it was going to go in, if at all.

it's hard to say this bc this story has gained a good bit of attention even within very few chapters being published (especially for some reason within the past few months??), and that's a blessing bc that's all i ever wanted when i started writing in general in middle school. and my writing was as matured as i could make it in this story, i am proud of myself that i could write somewhat fluently and have such complex ideas as a younger adult. but it isn't that that i am concerned about.

i am worried about this story's overall message, its romaticization of the deep topic at hand, and the fetishization of two men that i shouldn't have made stories so vividly and inappropriately about in the first place.

for starters, with the repetitive heartbreaking actual school shootings that occured during my early high school years, i feel it is in extremely bad taste to write about something so deep from a villain's standpoint with no real experience on the matter. i feel it is unfair to those who have been involved in such tragedies, and even though i began to craft it way before the series of events occured, it was a different world then than it is now and i feel it is just not good to make. and in the road i was trying to take the story on, it treaded on the ends of almost glorifying such a horrific event. it never was okay, but i understand now that it especially isn't okay now. maybe one day i can learn how to write this story in such a way with no glorification and just full psychology and twisted fiction to make it enjoyable to an audience who chooses to read it in search for a true-crime novel. but until then, it is not a story worth telling.

and speaking of glorification, the fact that i was going to entangle romance into this shitshow was also something repulsing about this story. not only was i going to almost shine a justifiable light onto school shooters, but i was also going to romanticize the hell out of it, making it very much more "appealing" to someone who doesn't know any better. i'm disappointed i didn't know any better a long time ago and i'm upset that the community i was a part of didn't know any better either. but we as a society have grown and have a better understanding of how to make romance an aspect to a story without romaticizing the intolerable and dark topic at hand; but i myself have not yet mastered that skill. and i won't for a long time, because i might avoid deeper topics like that until i actually know what i'm doing lol.

and lastly, before dan and phil came out as gay (still not for each other, may i add), i alongside many others decided it was a moral and perfectly okay idea to write these privacy-invading and inappropriate stories about two grown men. 1) as a woman, i have no place writing stories ab what i think a man's gay relationship looks like bc i alongside the "phan" community fetishized the two men IMMENSELY, and for that i apologize deeply. and 2) the two men were closeted and i feel horrible for writing this stuff about them before they were out, even though they kept saying it was fine. in my own moral book with myself, it is unacceptable. and 3) it is shameful that i associated those two successful men with such a dark and tragic event as a way to entertain myself. i just cannot accept that with myself.

again, maybe one day when i find another way to write this story and leave out gay fetishization/the romaticization of serious tragedies, i will do my best to do so. it won't be about phan, bc i don't want to associate dan and phil with a concept as disgusting as this no matter what embellishments i change to make the story acceptable. but i promise if/when i do, it will still hold the same suspense and possibly an even deeper trail of thought to take away from the story than before. and for the record, i will not judge other people for continuing on with their own stories, even if they were darker than the idea for this one. that is their own decision. but as for me and my morals, i can not knowingly try to make a story that is so wrong to me and my philosophies that i spent a lot of time thinking over as i witnessed the horrible shootings that occured that year.

i will be keeping what is up posted as a reference for if i decide to come back to this one day, but this is the last you'll hear from this story until then.

in other news! i have kind of drifted away from phan, but i am working on regular fiction stories that are at least a little lighter than this one lmao, and i would love if you all could check them out once i get to liking them enough to post them! and i might get to rewriting the stories i wrote ab phan but just as regular novels, with people who aren't dan and phil lmfao. thanks to all of you immensely for your timeless support and i love you all lots. (also, happy ten years of one direction?? thats what this acc started off as, a one direction fanfic acc back in the "up all night" days. holy fuck, i'm old.)

thanks for everything again, hope to see you all soon.
- kay xx
(sorry for any typos, its late and i don't feel like reading back through.)