school shooter // phan

tuesday, may 14, 2016, 6:54 A.M.

phil

life is okay for me.

i woke up knowing that, too. i have a choice few friends that i talk to everyday, pretty good grades, an exceptionally bright future, and my family never really has any problems, seeing as though my parents are normally gone on business trips, so i tend to my little sister, whom i normally get along with very well.

life is okay for me.

except one thing; i'm secretly gay.

well, my sister knows i am. but she could care less, she cares too much about when the next episode of some kids show she watches will be released. however, she's the only one that knows. i honestly don't care if my parents know or not, they're gone too much to have a right to change anything about me.

the people at school don't know that i'm gay, mainly because i have a big reputation with most of the popular kids that i'd really like to keep by my side. yeah, yeah, true friends are supposed to stay by your side "no matter what," but i don't care if they're true friends or not, it feels great to not be teased like i was in primary school by them. these friends i have are also extremely homophobic, along with a good two-thirds of the school, so that's a clear sign as to why i don't say anything.

the thought of them all finding out honestly scares me. not only will i lose my friends, but also everybody will banish me. i'll be scum, absolutely nothing to the people i call my friends now. i'll be the laughing stock of the students that push around others who are slightly different compared to the normal image.

what was the normal image? to them, it was cis-gendered, any race but mainly white, straight, and most of the time, men. i didn't share those opinions personally, but that's what they thought. and i have to keep my reputation high; so i just stay quiet and don't say a word.

that's what i do everyday: stay quiet, and don't say a word. i talk if it's a regular subject, such as maths or some sport they're playing after school that day. otherwise, if it's an issue that applies to me, i stay quiet. i standby, watch it happen.

it's the same with the kids being bullied in the halls. during school, it's normally nothing more than a shove to the side, or knocking down their books. even some name-calling, that's all. but after school, that's when it really happens. the kids get pummeled, beaten, physically compressed into a pulp of fear and pain. and, sometimes, it's only because, say, a girl wanted to be known as a boy.

i stay back everyday, watching as my friends all took turns throwing rocks at this boy cowering in the corner because he was black. i stay back everyday, watching as my friends threw punches at a girl's face for helping a transgender boy out when he was being bullied. i stay back everyday, watching as my friends stomped on a boy who was depressed and told the class he has anxiety, and my friends all yelled at him, saying how he was an attention whore.

some days, i wouldn't bother to look.

but there was one time, one time i dared to try to stand up for someone. not because i had had enough, because honestly, the thought of bringing up my friends' wrong-doings to their faces kind of terrified me. it was because the boy they were bullying was someone i have loved for years.

daniel howell.

i have seen him in the halls and also sitting in front of me in our maths class. no one talks to him, no one bothers him, except for my friends. they shove him in the halls, get him in trouble in class for stupid reasons, but, they'd never brought him outside the school until that day.

ever since he had come out to our class a while back, i had been inspired by him. he didn't care what others thought about him, he made sure to let everyone know what he was. i could see how horrified he was up there, but i smiled at him. he saw and i visually saw him ease just a little bit. when he made eye contact with me, my heart fluttered, as cheesy as it sounds. but sadly, we can't be friends, let alone be together.