√ Finding Moony || Marauder Era

Professor

"I am a nice professor, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Students are friends, not food." 

- Moony 

The memory he had of that day was like a dark spot of pitch-black ink ruining a perfect white Hogwarts blouse. Darkness he remembered as if seconds ago he watched the whole thing happen through the Pensieve of headmaster Dumbledore. He never expected this particular memory to come back as he walked past the old whomping willow he had grown so fond of the glory days he spend here as a child. Ofcourse, he imagined today would be painful. He saw their faces everywhere. In de books stocked at the library, books she had read at least ten times. He could almost see James fly across the Quidditch pitch, cheering after another goal he scored for Gryffindor, knowing his object of affection would be smiling by his doing, even though she would never admit that. He swore his eyes had noticed a rat walking to the kitchens lazily as if no harm could be done to the tiny creature. He even thought he recognized an old young and familiar Padfoot stalking through the Hogwarts halls, making girls giggle by his charming movements. It had been another boy with long black hair. One that hadn't betrayed his friends. One that thereby looked so much more like the old friend Remus knew, than the pictures in the newspapers he refused to read.

Those happy moments he could handle. After all, most of them were caused by the one thing that could make everyone smile. A young wizard boy with raven black messy hair, mischievous glinting eyes and a smile he would recognize even if he was as blind as Prongs without glasses. Although Albus Dumbledore had warned him for how much Harry Potter looked like his best friend, it had been Lily's broad and loving smile that had made him feel all fuzzy and warm. Just knowing his friends weren't entirely gone somehow calmed his mind, made it able to accept instead of fighting a feeling of hatred, rage and betrayal.

And so it definitely weren't the happy moments that made him shudder, not knowing if he would be able to keep walking. No it was remembering that particular day that turned every inch of his blood dark and cold. It was the thought of the feeling that had come over him then, that made his hands tremble, not able to open doors anymore, not even able to hold his bloody wand. It wasn't just grieve that moment brought upon him. No, there was fear. Fear stronger than he had ever imagined. Fear that had become reality and hunted him every second of his miserable lonely life. He felt helpless, small and utterly alone, a feeling he hated for it was exactly how he felt before he went to Hogwarts.

A shaky sound left his throat as he sat down by the lake. Soon the lessons would start and he would have to pretend he was alright. How on earth was he suppose to do that? He couldn't just forget. Forgetting everything would mean loosing things he treasured more than anything, moments he needed to continue, to keep going. It was cruel how moments and memories were defined by people who never realized how great of an impact they could have on you, how much damage they could do. Remus would have called it unfair, if he had not realized many years ago that life was unfair in every single way. People could make you and break you. It was something one simply had to accept, since being alone was definitely not the better option when one had a choice in the matter.

Realizing acceptance would help him far greater than fighting the inevitable, Remus decided to close his eyes and let memory and feelings collide while reliving that one particular day that in the same time made everything hole and fall into millions of pieces. The day everything was about Finding Moony, finding him and finding himself.