One Geek to Rule Them All

Tears and Fears

When the two girls had at last calmed down and finished wiping away their tears and felt ready to face the rest of the Company again, Devin stopped and took Kitty by the hand.

"We should tell them," she said gently.

Kitty froze like a deer caught in the headlights, and her face twisted into a frown. "No!" she ground out stubbornly, feeling a bit angry. Devin knew she didn't like other people knowing about her illness. They always looked at her differently once they found out.

"I just don't want them to misunderstand you," Devin persisted earnestly. They both knew that Kitty couldn't control her mood swings, and that how she acted and felt because of the constant change in chemistry inside her body often didn't necessarily reflect the way she truly felt deep down. When she was manic Kitty would laugh at a broken bone. When she was depressed she would cry over a butterfly. "They won't understand unless we tell them."

"They won't understand even if we do!" argued Kitty. "If you tell them, it'll be just one more thing for everyone to worry about, and I don't want their pity."

"Then tell them that!" said Devin. "But if they don't know the reason behind how you can smile and laugh while they're grieving, and why you might suddenly snap at them out of the blue, they might hold it against you; and I don't want that. I just want them to know that you're not doing it on purpose, and even if you don't want their pity, it doesn't change the fact that they'll need to be more careful about what they say around you, because everything gets under your skin when you're like that—I don't want you getting hurt by careless words!"

Eventually Kitty gave in, and they rejoined the rest of the Company to break to the difficult news to them together, not altogether sure how they would take it.

The others had all wondered where the girls had got to, and were extremely shocked and surprised by the sudden revelation of Kitty's dire condition. Though the two girls did their best to explain the matter very carefully, there were still many questions.

"So you're saying... this whole time you've been sick?" Pippin asked Kitty, frowning deeply with worry on her behalf. Aragorn and Legolas regarded the ill girl with grim expressions; while the hobbits and Gimli stared with eyes wide with shock and concern, and Boromir with disbelief. They seemed to have trouble grasping their explanation of how her mental illness was being caused by defective brain chemistry and not a kind of trauma or some other outside force.

"Yeah, but it isn't contagious if that's what you're worried about," Kitty replied dismissively, starting to get annoyed by all their questions and stares; but she smiled at the memory of her highs, one of which she could already feel swelling up from within, bolstering her confidence. "The mania part is awesome! I have tons of energy and don't want to stop. The best part of it is that I'm so optimistic about everything: you could crash a car through my house, and I'd be like: 'Awesome, now we can put in sliding doors and build a pool deck!' I'm at my most creative during this part of the cycle, so I do as much as possible to take advantage of it. Composing or performing music, whitewater rafting, or whatever; I'm up for anything.

"I have tons of fun running around and entertaining people, making them laugh, and acting like a big clown. I get a lot of satisfaction from the laughs and smiles I can get out of people. It makes me feel invincible. In the morning I wake up ready to go, even if I didn't get much sleep the night before: I don't really need that much sleep during this part of my mood cycle, so I just keep going and going, like the Energizer bunny. I do so much: I see all my friends, have a blast, write new songs, breeze through all my chores and school assignments, and more.

"And do I talk. I'm all over the place, in and out of every conversation. I've been told I talk too fast and switch topics so quickly that it's hard for others to keep up with me. Sometimes, I can't keep up with myself. Unfortunately, this is also when I go out more, spend all of my money, and drink too much. I've gotten into a few fights during my mania, but it's not because I was actually angry or anything. Getting into a fight at school with some grade-A biyatch giving me 'tude or a random dude twice my size on the street is a rush. I know it's destructive, but it's a great form of entertainment because it's rough, tough, and it's pretty much anyone's guess what'll happen. I've yet to be seriously hurt in one of these fights, and my parents only pay enough attention to give me a brief lame lecture when I get caught, so I tend to escalate unless Devin reels me in. It's like a game to me.