*** WARNING: this chapter talks about self mutilation and suicide. May be triggering***
**TO CLARIFY: Whatever it seems, it is definitely NOT glorifying either self harm or suicide. If you are thinking about either, it is best to seek help immediately. These are the thoughts that run through my head every night, not an actual suggestion.**
Nighttime can be beautiful. The moon and stars come out, everything is quiet and still. Everyone is peacefully curled up in bed, dreaming of another life. Unless you're like me. Then, the night is when everything comes crashing down. It's when I'm all alone in my dark room, the gentle blow of the AC the only thing that I can hear. Other than the voices in my head, of course. Those are loud. And really annoying. They don't sound like actual voices, they are just different types of thoughts. It's like having different characters in your head, all you, but all very different. My loudest are depression and paranoia. Most of them sleep during the day. They are scared of other people. They are scared that I will cry out and get help, and that they will dissapear into nothing. So they wait until the nighttime when everyone leaves me and I are laying in bed, staring at the wall as I fall asleep. Just kidding, they don't let me sleep. First, maybe it's anxiety. "Remember when you dropped your pencil in the middle of class earlier? Your teacher stopped and stared at you while she was teaching." It was only a split second. A horrible, terrifying, haunting split second that I will now think about for an hour. Wait, there were a lot of kids in that class. "They must think you are a completely uncoordinated freak. It's not like you had a chance at being liked anyways."
"You're never going to be liked, much less loved. You're worthless and don't deserve to be happy." That's when depression comes. "You're dumb and clumsy and no one cares about you. They never will, so what's the point? What are you even doing, your life is going nowhere."
"You know that blade you keep hidden in your room? You haven't used it in two weeks." That would be my suicidal thought. "You haven't cut in two weeks. That's really sad. You even fail at being a cutter! You should do something and not fail. Like suicide. That would be easy, and no one would miss you. They would be happy."
After awhile you get used to these things. Is it sad? Maybe. It doesn't shock you or worry you at all though. It's just how you think now. It keeps you up all night. There is one more though, one that tears me apart more than anything. Paranoia. It ruins everything.
"He hasn't texted you all day. That's very obviously saying something. He probably is annoyed with you, even though you have only texted three times this week. And you texted him first every time. You are a really clingy girlfriend. No wonder he still likes his ex. Yeah, he probably loves her. I bet he is just using you to make her jealous. I know he claims otherwise, but you wouldn't be with him if he told you that." Yeah, paranoia. It kind of mixes everything and screams at me. It ruins everything. "That test you took earlier today? Your teacher glanced at you two, make that three times while grading it. You must have bombed it. You probably got everything wrong. Your parents are going to be so disappointed in you. You might have to retake this class. That would put you a year behind. Colleges will hate that. They will think you are dumb, and you won't get into a good one, and you won't get a good job because of it. You are such a failure."
"He said they were talking about you. He said it was all good, but he wouldn't tell you what it was. Why? It was probably horrible. I bet they think that you are some fat, ugly, slutty outcast. They are probably spreading rumors about you. Everyone will think that you did something horribly disgusting when you did nothing. All of your friends will leave you and you will be alone forever because the rumors will never cease."
All of these things go through my head. Plus many much, much worse ones. I tried to keep it fairly decent, even with the topics. There are many more "voices", but I don't feel like writing them all out right now. It's 3am. I have already cried about 3 times tonight. One time I couldn't stop, the tears just kept coming. I was alone, and I knew it. Everyone keeps telling me that they are here for me but in reality, I know that I have no one. That is why nights are the worst. There is never a specific reason, other than a simple glance someone gave me or a 30-minute late text reply. It doesn't really matter. My mind will fuck things up. A glance can mean that you hate me. A late text can mean that you hate me. In my head everyone hates me because I hate me. People like me can't be loved. People like me love, but don't get attached. What would people do if they knew that? I guess some of them will read that. I can't get attached to anything anymore, I have lost too much. Maybe in my head, I already lost you. Maybe I never had you. I am great at being fake. If I wasn't, how would I so often convince people that I am okay?
Sorry for the extra long chapter. It's almost 3am and I am extremely bored (damn insomnia). Once again, I am impressed if you actually made it through. Yeah, all of the things here are true. I honestly don't know how bad is "bad" when it comes to this stuff, but I tried to keep it on the innocent side of things. Sorry if I didn't, love y'all.
