Insanely sane

-1

It had already been a couple of days ever since I woke up. After making a couple of deals with doctors and my own therapist, yes, I was actually forced to have one, I was finally allowed to go home. 

As I walked, or more like, stumbled into the place I called home,I was instantly pulled into a bone-crushing hug by the girl that was supposed to be my best friend. 

She pulled away with tears in her eyes: "I'm so glad to finally see you. I swear I would of visited you, but your mom.."

I zoned out after that. Why do we always make the mistake of assuming something would change in the people around us if only we showed them they actually made us want to die? 

"..and then Claudia had so much homework to do, I just had to help," she kept on making thousands of never-ending excuses, "wait, are you even listening, Lea?"

I nodded, forcing a smile: "sure, sure. Just, you know, tired a little?" 

She looked down and nodded, without any questions assuming I was thinking about killing myself again. Assumptions - one damned little invention of our minds that people these days can't seem to be able to live without.

"I can go now if you want," she said, her attention fully on me for an exchange, "but I got you a surprise. It's in your room and I swear I begged so hard to your mom, she finally caved yesterday."

I furrowed my brows. A surprise, great. All I wanted was to be alone, wrapped in my blanket to try to swallow the reality of my failed suicide attempt. The last thing I wanted was to spend time with this selfish person I called my best friend just a couple of days ago. 

"That's really sweet of you," I said, not even bothering to hide the sarcasm, "but can you just leave?"

She looked taken back, her mouth slightly open in shock and for a split second, I felt bad. But a second didn't even pass before the guilt was replaced by pure disgust and hatred. 

"Lea, did I do something?" she asked quietly as I ushered her out of the door. 

Exactly, Alex, you did nothing. You simply stood in front of me, stabbing me repeatedly every single day whilst looking in my eyes and smiling. You are the reason I even jumped out of that window.

"Just get the hell away from me Alex," I chuckled as I pushed her out of the door.

It's ridiculous how people affect us. There are some you despise from the second you lay your eyes on them, then there are ones you love and cherish from day 1, yet it rarely ever lasts. Love turns into hate and the other way around. 

For me, Alex, the girl who became my best friend on the first day of high school, also became the biggest villain in the damned book called "Lea's life". 

This girl taught me that you shouldn't fear the ones you despise, it's the ones you love and cherish that destroy and wreck you every chance they get.

But let's leave the reminiscing part for later. I'm sure some of you wondered what would the incredible surprise from Alex be. The one that's supposed to make her feel better about that unfortunate day we'll from now on call 0, because that's the exact day I gave up on everything, even someone I never gave up on. Who? We'll eventually figure that out.

The guilt gift in my room was a puppy. The dog of my dreams I'd always gone on and on about - Golden retriever. The little furball was asleep in a basket that had been placed on my bed, with a note attached to the basket.

"Dogs make everything better, that's what your psychiatrist said," I read the note out loud and laughed at it. 

This day was becoming even funnier. 

The first thing that made this so very funny was the Siamese cat I'd gotten for Christmas a few years ago. I'd begged for it for the longest time, perhaps mom got it for me hoping it would fix her already broken marriage and make it all alright. Well, it didn't, but the cat became the highlight of my life. Her name is Bella, she didn't die, instead, my mom gave her away to my grandmother. It hurt me a lot, the cat was the closest thing to me, I had grown up with it, yet for mom, it seemed so easy to kick her out as soon as her third child was born and she had gotten married to another man. My begging did nothing for the last year, even when mom knew I would soon move away and just wanted to have the cat with me for the last month. 

The second thing was that I knew this dog would help. He would become my closest friend, I would put in unconditional love and care for this puppy. Ironically, it was given by my so-called best friend, as if saying, I don't know how to help you anymore, so just take a replacement of me. And this dog sure as hell would do so much more than she did in 3 years combined. 

This innocent puppy was my family's and friend's way of saying - we really have no clue how to deal with you, but perhaps getting something you've always wished for would magically make you want to stay alive. So here is your dream dog, heal.

I took the puppy in my arms, making sure it didn't wake up and climbed under my bed's blankets. 

"This will be our safe space from now on, little one," I whispered to the puppy, kissing its soft head.

Perhaps I didn't really want to stay alive. I just wanted to rest from all the bullshit people closest to me put on my plate on a daily basis. I wanted to do something for me for once. 

I wondered what it meant for me now - being stuck between death and life. Was it a sign from above that I should stay alive and give this whole life crap another go? Because I sure as hell felt dead inside. 

Well, I thought about life, show me what you've got.