Mary Sue Check & Kill [DISCONNTINUED]

Kiumi Haruno

Fandom: the Naruto fandomFull name: Kiumi(formerly Mahome) HarunoGender: FemaleSpecies: HumanAge: At the beginning of the series 12 (the same age as the other characters if you're not familiar with Naruto)

Place of Birth: She was born in a far away village put under a genjutsu(pretty much an illusion) which made her think she was from a village found close to the leaf village and was abandoned there

Date of birth: January 21

Sexuality: Pansexual 

Looks: I have an artbook if you look in one of the chapters with her name in it

Personality: a very blunt and honest girl, shes a funny person and very rebellious. She can be arrogant and inconsiderate. Insensitive to a lot of peoples feelings, though she does become a more understanding person as she grows older shes still childish and adventurous, or immature as some may call it

Backstory: Kiumi was born in a neglective household, until her mother realized that she could be useful, so asking an elder to give her fake memories of a kind family who were killed they abandoned her in a forest nearby the leaf, she was found and taken in by the harunos who their daughter Sakura she got along with immediately. Since her clan was known for controlling their chakra(magic pretty much) she was sent away to the sand(another village near the leaf), where she met her best friend, Gaara. Though Gaara was unstable and after the death and betrayal of his uncle out of rage he attack Kiumi and she lost her eye. She was immediately sent back to her home in the leaf and lived peacefully for a few years.(this is all her backstory that happened before the series first episode)

My Opinion:

First off, wow. I had to clean up a bunch of spelling errors that you made. No, not the Japanese names. Those I kept in there but actual spelling errors. One of the things I try to make sure whenever I'm making something is to make sure I have good grammar when writing these. If you try to make one of these, even if it's just for a review or reference, make sure to have good grammar. Even if you're a great writer, if you have bad grammar, it'll make you seem amateur.

What do you mean about "formerly Mahome"? You didn't explain this in her backstory and if this was a name that you used for her before giving her the name Kiumi, I don't need to know that. Nobody does. If I used a name for an OC that I had planned to be in a story then changed the name of them before releasing it, do you think the readers of the story will really care or wonder if I had planned for them to have a different name? Sure, they might care about it if I brought it up, though that will most likely break tension and leave the readers wondering "What? Why did you put this? This information is not relevant to the story so why would you put it here?" The only way that it would make sense to bring up that topic is if I were doing a Q&A.

Why did you even put "Sexuality" when it isn't relevant? When you're writing a fanfiction, it'll become pretty obvious who you're shipping with Kiumi after a while. If you're not writing it to ship a person with your OC, you don't need to scream it out for the world to see.

Personality and backstory go hand and hand, if you don't realize it. If someone creates fake memories of having a kind family when your family neglected you, won't you feel something strange? As if they weren't real? Let me introduce you to nature verses nurture. It's scientifically proven that though we are born with some of our personality, a lot of it comes from the environment they come from. If Kiumi was raised in an environment where her parents don't even acknowledge her existence, she might grow independent and refuse help from others, even not wanting others to do things. She might feel alien to love, even if she thinks she had a loving family all her early years. She might be clingy to those she cares about.

An elder wouldn't make fake memories. If you walk up to a person that can create fake memories and asked to create some to a person, do you expect them to do that? Unless they are very evil or downright hate the person, they wouldn't do that. That is just the nature of us human beings. We aren't programmed to kill or physically hurt each other.

Instead of commenting more on the backstory, let me just tell you this. OCs shouldn't have more tragic backstories then the main protagonists. Even if your OC is the main protagonist in a fanfiction, just remember that others' backstories are supposed to be the stars of the show, the ones to move the plot along.

How You Could Improve:

Try to tone down the backstory for Kiumi. It seems as if she's taking the spotlight from the others. Also, make sure that you change her personality to make sure that it reflects more on the the household that she lived in before her fake memories and make it longer than her backstory. Us humans can be described in more then just two sentences. 

Proofread it to make sure that it doesn't have a lot of spelling or grammar errors. Trust me, your future self will thank you. And if that seems too hard, just try reading the sentences out loud to see if it's fluent.

Take out useless information that isn't going to be used. It won't hurt you and it might be easier to find information that way.