The Office Meets Parks and Rec

Scene 7: Hooters

*All enter Hooters

Michael: Table for eight please. (Winks at blondie with crop top on.)

Hostess: Right this way

Ron: Move it! Out of my way!

(They all sit down, Ron first of course)

Hostess: Your waitress will be with you in a few.

Andy: Dang this place is great. I wonder if they're hiring. I'd so sign up.

April: *rolls her eyes

Michael: Ron, are you almost done with that menu so I can look?

Ron: *stares at picture of bacon and eggs on cover* Hmmm...what? Hmmph, why come to a restaurant not knowing what you're going to order? It's like walking into a test you've never studied for. As for me, I usually go through intense elimination processes before I choose what I'm going to eat, but today I have my heart set on eggs.

Michael: (to cameras) And I thought Kevin was weird.

Waitress: Hello, my name is Tammy and I'll be your waitress this afternoon. May I start you guys off with some drinks? Oh! (Seductively) Hi Ron.

Ron: (dramatically) Tammy!

Michael: Why hello there!

Ron: Don't fall for it Michael! She has the soul of a venomous snake and the eyes of a vulture. Stare into her eyes long enough, and you'll never fall out of her gaze. She's like medusa, but she
only turns your mind to stone. That way, she can claim you forever.

Ron: Tammy! What are you doing here?!

Tammy: Oh...you know. I just came to Scranton for some fresh meat...if you know what I mean.

Michael: Ok! Ok! Can you just take our orders and have that be all. We're kind of in a tight schedule here. We have a...um...business to attend to.

Michael (To cameras): Look. I don't know who this Tammy person is, but she's kinda hot. *Ahem. I mean that well...she's a distraction. I just sealed a deal with Ron and I can't let a ridiculously sexy shmexy vulture ruin my plan.

Tammy: Why of course (caresses Michael's cheek.) (laughs seductively) It'll only take a second. Who's gonna start?

Andy: I'll just have the sausage baconator combo with large fries with a side of more bacon and can I also have the egg and bacon sandwich but with no bread or eggs so just the bacon. And to drink I'll have a Diet Coke. I'm trying to lay low on the carbs.

April: (Rolls her eyes) Okay um I'll just have pancakes, but don't you dare put syrup on it. And I guess I'll have a side of...listen Tammy! Don't you dare lay a finger on Ron. My job is to annoy Ron and I can't do that when he's in that little trance you put him in so paws off.

Tammy: (sarcastically) Oh I won't. Only because you asked me to.

Andy (to cameras): Wait. I don't usually talk to this camera man. I don't trust him...Okay! Okay! Fine I'll answer the question. Jeez it was a joke. Okay well I don't really care what happens. I just hope Tammy doesn't get my order mixed up because I was very specific. Oh yeah and I hope she doesn't hurt Ron.

(Tammy takes everyone's order and then gets to Ron last)

Tammy: (seductively as always) What would you like Ron?

Ron (Quietly, through gritted teeth, avoiding eye contact with her): Eggs.

Tammy: I couldn't hear you dear.

Ron (a little more loudly): Eggs.

Tammy: What?

Ron: I said eggs woman! Now leave me be!

Tammy: Oh! That's no way to talk to a waitress now is it? Will there be anything else Ron. (Creeping closer) Or is that it.

Ron: Must. Resist.

Ron: That'll be all.

Tammy (stares at Ron in silence before saying okay and then walking away swaying her hips)

Leslie: Good job Ron! I'm so proud of you!

Ron (to cameras): Gosh, why does Leslie need to give me affirmation. I'm not a child. I'm a grown man. I know I'm hard to resist so she comes after me. I just did what a responsible grown man would do and resisted temptation. All I had to do was look at the picture of the eggs in the menu and pretend that I was being seduced by eggs instead of Tammy. Gosh! What does a man have to do to get good eggs these days! Hmmph!