Can't stand to see you in pain

BUILD ME UP.

Kihyun stepped into his psychiatrist room. It looked like a regular doctor's office, he was almost disappointed, he expected something else. Something that just screamed you are crazy in the head, kind of look.

''Hello.'' The woman looked up from her papers. ''You can sit there.'' She pointed at the chair across her.

''I'll finish this quickly,'' the doctor smiled, ''the person before you took a bit longer than I thought, I'm sorry.''

''It's okay.'' Kihyun said, trying to appear friendly, to be honest he would have loved it if she took forever with it. But at least she looked friendly.

The sudden wave of anxiety hit him. He shouldn't have come here alone. He is about to tell his deepest darkest secrets and problems to a complete stranger he just met 5 seconds ago. How is that going to help.

''Okay, all done.'' She said and turned her attention to Kihyun. She could see from the way Kihyun hold himself, that the other was anxious.

''So,'' she was looking at Kihyun's file. ''how are you today?''

Kihyun kept his mouth shut, he couldn't form any sentences. And that question was very loaded.

''Everything that we discuss stays in between these four walls. You don't have to hide, lie or pretend. All I want you to be is honest so I can help you.'' She thought best to inform Kihyun.

''I don't know where to begin.'' Kihyun mumbled, god he was nervous. He really didn't want to be here, not alone at least.

''How about we start with why you were hurting yourself?''

Silence.

''Okay. How about you tell me what you are thinking right now?'' She tried again.

''What's wrong with me?'' Kihyun finally opened his mouth after a minute of thinking, wording the sentence in his head, so when he spoke he sounded so tired and his voice was hoarse. ''One evening I went to sleep and when I woke up I wish I hadn't. And I feel so guilty about it all the time. I don't have any reason to feel like this. My life is good, I'm living my dream, I have a family who loves me, I'm close with my members. So why do I feel like none of it matters sometimes.''

''Things like these don't need a reason. There might be one, but it doesn't need to have.'' She was explaining.

''When will it stop? How do I make it stop?'' Kihyun looked desperate, all he wants is just to get back to normal. He feels so foreign in his own skin all the time.

They talked for an hour. Kihyun, once he started, couldn't stop.

''You have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow as well. Do you want me to prescribe you antidepressants? It's your right to choose, but I would strongly recommend.'' The psychiatrist asked in the end.

Kihyun looked lost, this will guarantee that he is insane, fucked up in the head.

But he promised to try and get better. And if the meds will help, who is he to say no.

''Yes.'' Kihyun said.

She told Kihyun the names of the meds he was going to take. Weird names, was what Kihyun thought.

''Just remember that it takes time for them to kick in and there are side effects, that include anxiety, suicidal tendencies, insomnia, anxiety...'' She gave a whole list of things Kihyun should be aware of.

Kihyun already regretting agreeing, because it felt like the meds will make him worse than he was.

''You also won't feel it work. It might not be the right one for you, or not the right dosage. It takes time.''