Diagnosed Chaos

Chapter 6 • The Pain Begins 🌪

I woke up the next morning with a screaming headache. I hadn't gotten my medicine last night. I rolled out of bed. Literally, onto the floor. That hurt a little, not gonna lie. I layed there and stared at the ceiling for about 15 minutes, when someone knocked on my door.
"Lauren? What are you doing?" I recognized that voice...
"Natalie!" I sat up too fast and my head started to spin. I leaned against the wall and grabbed my face. "Ow."
"Hey hun... are you okay?" She walked towards me and pushed my hair out of my face. I had met Nat two years ago the first day I came to Black Oak. She has always been so kind and caring, and she always listened when I needed to vent.
"Yeah. I just really miss my dog." I laughed a little bit as she helped me up off the floor.
She looked me up and down, and then she shook her head.
"You grew up. Two years ago you were just a tiny little 14 year old who didn't have a clue. I can see it in those big beautiful blue eyes, you've experienced a little more since then." She gave me a sad smile and opened her arms. I gladly flew into them.
"I'm starving, and my head hurts. Can we go down to the dayroom?"
"Ha sure. Just make your bed up first so they don't have more things to complain about." She stood there as I made my bed. I slipped on my beloved crocs, and we walked arm in arm down to the hall.

•••

After breakfast and taking my meds, it was time for rec therapy. Was I in the mood? No, but was I going participate? Yeah, because the more you resist the program, the longer they keep you.
The recreational therapists showed up right at 10:00 AM, pulling a cart full of markers and watercolor paints. They had paper and clipboards and they were completely opposite from each other. One was very tall, with short blonde hair. She had a very muscular build, and she had beautiful green eyes. The other therapist was completely different. She was very short, with dark brown hair that nearly reached the middle of her back. She had these crazy blue glasses that I LOVED! They were talking nonstop when they walked into the dayroom. They parked their cart, and then they were silent. They looked at us all until each and every mouth was closed. Then they smiled, and introduced themselves. The tall blonde spoke first.
"Hello everyone, I'm Terra, and I'm one of the rec therapists here." She smiled and then looked at Glasses.
"And my name is Charlotte, or Charlie for short. I am also one of the rec therapists here." She smiled a big white-toothed grin.
"So today we are going to be making mandalas! This is a self-confidence activity. Why would it be about self confidence?" Charlie asked the group.
A hand shot up in the corner. It was the creepy 17 year old that stared at me all the time. I think his name was Sean?
"Because when you make the mandala, it's your own creation and it's beautiful no matter what." Sean looked right at me when he said that.
I instantly thought of how John said he wouldn't let him near me. But John wasn't here today, not until the afternoon. The other workers didn't know that Sean liked me and that I was afraid of him. I didn't know what to do, I felt like throwing up.
"Lauren!" Natalie yelled in my ear.
I jumped and turned to look at her. That made me cry for whatever reason. I stood and left the dayroom.
I went up to the nurses station, but they were all not looking at me, so I just sat on the floor.
Natalie ran out into the hall after me.
"Lauren what's wrong?" She asked, bending down to be eye level with me.
"You know that Sean guy? Yeah, well he really fucking scares me. He smiles at me and walks behind me and touches my hair and he won't leave me alone. He scares me, please, keep him away from me. I know he's only 17, but he looks older to me. He triggers my phobia of men hardcore. I almost puked in there, and I spaced out bad. I didn't mean to cause a scene." I said, starting to cry more.
"Aw, sweetheart, you don't have to worry about him. We can talk to him. We can put him on the other side of the room. There are things we can do. I won't be here for 2nd shift, is there another tech you trust that I can tell this to so they can help?" She asked.
"Well I think John knew that Sean had a crush on me before I did, because they went to high school together, so you can tell him. He is the only one."
"Okay, when we do the shift change, I'll talk to him. You don't... like John do you?" Nat raised her eyebrows at me and smiled. She was 25, a lesbian, and in college, so gossip was her drug.
"Naaaahhhh. Maybe a little. How could I not?" I laughed and Natalie laughed too as she helped me up. We walked back into the dayroom giggling, and all the others looked up at us.
I grabbed a piece of paper and started to trace a mandala pattern, when all of a sudden I started seeing black spots. I dropped my marker. The next thing I hear is, 'Laur-' and I blacked out.
I lift my head up off the table with Natalie and Rose's help. Natalie presses a button on her keychain and an alarm goes off. A nurse runs in with meds.
"Lauren, what's going on, how are you feeling." I don't know who said that. Regan, maybe?
"I saw black dots, and my head just got really heavy... I feel like I'm going to throw up." I said as I burped. "Excuse me.." I could feel my cheeks get hot.
Rose and Natalie laughed, but Regan was all business.
"She's showing symptoms of withdrawal. Have you been taking your meds?" Regan asked me.
"Yes! But Dr. Timpani took me off of four of them yesterday. I feel really cruddy right now. Most of my meds are extended release, so you're supposed to wean. Not just cut me off cold turkey. I literally feel like I'm dying. I take what I'm given." I really am going to throw up.
" I need the bathroom please, Nat. Now!" Her eyes got big and we both jumped up and ran out of the dayroom and down the hall. The bathroom is constantly locked, so you have to have someone unlock it every time. Not a good thing to have right now. Once Natalie got the door open, I bolted for the toilet.
Explosion.

*Lesson - don't take any drugs that you don't absolutely have to, because once it's time to quit, it's living hell. Withdrawal isn't just from hard drugs like heroin or cocaine, or even alcohol or cigarettes. I am still suffering from withdrawals from that doctor taking away my antidepressant. So please be careful with prescription drugs!

  National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255