Diagnosed Chaos

Chapter 9: The Ends Justify The Means 🛸

Any other day in this terrible place, I would wake up feeling dread and pain. But today was different. Today I'm going home.

      I make my bed like I did every day. I collected some clothes from the shelf in my room and went in my private bathroom. Changing is a nightmare, because it's like reviewing every slit and burn that you put on your body. I try to look as little as possible. As I was leaving the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself and stopped. I turned to face the mirror straight on. I was thinner now from hospital food. My hair was faded, no longer the vibrant blonde it used to be but more ashy and flat. My eyes were sunken in but full of light. Funny how someone can be so damaged and closed off, yet their eyes can tell the story of their lives in just a blink.

      I left my bedroom and joined my fellow patients in the day room. People were filing in, putting down chairs, getting drinks. Preparing to start the day the same way they had the one before. I was lucky, because both John and Natalie were on staff that day. I needed some friendly faces to see me off. If I played my cards right, I would never see them again.

      The burns on my arm from the day before I was admitted were healed almost completely. Today was going to be an easy day. Breakfast, a therapy session, and I'm on my way home with McDonalds in my hand, my own bed in my future, and not a damn thing to worry about. Unfortunately, someone had different plans for me.

      We were all sat down for breakfast, my good pal (to this day) Abbie by my side at a nice quiet table in the corner by the window. Abbie was transgender and her birth name was Chase, which happens to be my little brothers name. We got along famously the entire time. She shared her struggles with me and I shared mine, and we learned we could trust each other which is exactly what you need in a place like that. We chatted over our awful breakfast and laughed together as usual. Then the hurricane that is Kay decided to join us and our laughing ceased.

"Hey everyone, Lauren! Whats going on over here you two hermits?" She laughed at her own joke but I really wasn't dealing with her today.

"Oh Kay, super great that you're here because I could really use a cup of lemonade." I smiled at her sickeningly sweet. I know it was mean but I really was not going to deal with her shit today.

"I'll get you one!" She jumped and ran away.

"How are you going to handle her without me?" I asked Abbie. We just laughed.

"Please, I will knock her on her ass if she comes near me." We laughed some more as Kay approached us, lemonade and Darian in tow.

"Here you go, Lauren! I know you're going home this morning so I wanted to ask if I could sit with you at therapy." She smiled and put her hand on my arm. Darian jolted foward, grabbing her arm and ripping it away from me.

"She's been pulling hair recently, right Kay?" He scowled at her.

"I would never hurt her, ever. I just didn't like it when Tiffany called me crazy, thats not nice." she pouted, crossing her arms. Darian just mumbled under his breath and took a seat at a table close by.

"You can sit with us at therapy, but I'd like to keep talking with Abbie alone please." Kay's cheeks flushed but she smiled widely.

"Okay, see you then!" She leaned down and hugged my side. No kiss this time surprisingly.

      After we were finished with breakfast and morning journal time, it was time for therapy. Kay brought a chair and her things over to our table. A new therapist came in, she was very young and very smart. She knew just what to say and was actually helpful. She wanted us to make a list of coping skills and advice for ourselves when we're feeling suicidal or like self-harming. She wanted us to decorate the page and make it cheerful. It kind of sucked but I was willing to suffer through one more therapy session if it meant I got to leave.

      I finished making my page after about twenty minutes. In the middle of the session, my personal therapist that worked on my case came to get me. I was to meet with my grandparents for a few minutes to discuss what I would do once I got home. After that I was to return to therapy, finish up, gather my things, and say goodbye. I was somewhat sad I was leaving, but I knew it was past time to go. I met with my grandparents and it was good to see them again. We talked for a few minutes and decided I was good to go.

      I walked back to the day room and found Kay holding my list I had written to myself. I noticed she had teared up a bit, so I told her she could keep my list if she wanted to. She just looked at me with the emptiest expression I have ever seen, and then she smiled. She had a plastic juice cup on the table that was empty. She took it, ripped it in half, looked at me and said,

"You're not going anywhere." She grabbed my arm, pulled me close, and dug the plastic into her wrist over top of my lap. She slit her wrist and then wiped the blood on my shirt. Girls were crying, screaming, aids were now tackling Kay to the floor, her chair overturned. And I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't thinking anything at that moment, just watching them pin her and stick her with the needle. She was so small, the drugs took effect almost immediately. Once she was out, they began working on fixing her arm up. John was shaking me and trying to get my attention but I couldn't look away. I was covered in her blood.

      I finally looked at John. I was still crying, but silently. I didn't have the ability to do much else.

"Are you alright Lauren, did she hurt you? There is blood all over you, lets go wash you up." He put his hands on my arms and guided me out of my seat. We walked out in the hall and there was my grandfather standing by the nurses station. He just stared at me with an open mouth as I walked by. Natalie ran up to us and took my hands.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay? Lets go to the bathroom and wash you off so you can go." She was pulling me into the bathroom and I was just letting her drag me.

"What happened?" she asked me as she scrubbed my shirt with a wet paper towel. I honestly had no idea. I was in shock.

"Why can't I just put on some new clothes?" I asked. She stopped.

"Well, uh, all your clothes were already taken out by your grandparents. There, thats as good as its going to get. Are you okay?" She looked me right in the eyes.

"Good enough. I want to leave now please." I just looked down and stared at the fresh blood on my pants.

"O-okay lets go then."

      We walked out of the bathroom and I ran to my grandfather. He hugged me and pushed me back to look at me.

"What happened to you, honey?" He looked scared.

"I'm fine, let's just go." I gave him a little smile. We walked hand in hand down the hall as people called after me and screamed their goodbyes down the hall. I couldn't bare to turn around, so I left without another word. I walked outside for the first time in two weeks and felt the wind and the sun on my face. I was happy, for the time being. And that's all I ever needed.

THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking time out of your day, to read my story. I plan on making more in the future so stick around. And remember that you aren't the only one suffering, so never be afraid to ask for help.

This story is dedicated to Lilly. Rest in peace flower girl. I will always remember you.
12/20/2000 - 03/25/2018 🌸

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255